Good Grief! Almost 3 months since the last post. Plenty of stuff has gone on, I just haven't taken the time to write about it... Why? I said in the beginning that this was for my own therapy, so does this mean I am all better and don't need to write any more? Ha.... you'll see...
So why did I come back now?
I have to work this out and this is always the best place to do it.
We got great news yesterday. Triann's scans all came back clear. We have seen this every time we have gone down to Houston. A whole day of MRI's, CT scans, blood work and X-rays. Followed by a meeting with Dr Habra to tell us what they saw. Always clear. The surgery site, where they removed the tumor is clear, the other adrenal gland is clear, her lungs are clear, her guts are clear, her lymph nodes are clear. It is all clear.
The reward for this? More chemo. and here is my issue. It's not the "real" chemo, you know the kind where your hair falls out and you wear a wig or a head wrap and everyone you see knows you have cancer. What a stupid thing to say right? Is it?
I have watched my wife melt down for almost a year now. Getting her butt kicked by this poison that is helping her (maybe). She feels nauseous 24 hours a day. She can't eat much due to the nausea, that and the medication itself keeps her in a constant state of exhaustion and fatigue. Her mind is hit and miss at best, forgetting big things that we have done together all the way down to repeating the same conversation over and over, with no clue that she is doing it. Between the surgery that removed one adrenal gland (with tumor) and the chemo that is killing off the other she is now taking 3 or 4 different hormone pills to try and keep her body in some sort of hormonal balance. I don't have to tell you what unbalanced hormones are like right? She spends days in and out of bed, so dizzy that she doesn't feel comfortable driving and can barely walk, which leads to massive headaches. But when she is up and around, visiting friends, going to church, running errands or taking the kids to events she looks normal. NORMAL. So she looks normal, but asks for help, and says silly things, and makes silly mistakes and to the rest of the world it looks like she is a ditz or just lazy or incapable of doing things on her own. They don't know that her entire life is currently jacked up because of this random combination of rouge cells that decided to blow up her adrenal gland and now she has to eat 15 doses of rat poison daily. All because her hair didn't fall out. I am tempted to sneak into her bedroom and shave her head just to give her a break from the looks and the comments that she tells me about, I can't even imagine the one that she doesn't. Or the arguments she has to have with herself to justify the way she feels now, vs the person that she was not even a year ago.
It KILLS me. Triann is not herself. I know it, she knows it, her close friends and family know it, but the rest of the world doesn't know what is going on, they don't know the kind of person that she really is. Triann would never ask anyone for help, she would be the one helping, but now she has to beg to help get Emily to appointments when she can't stand up. She has to beg to have someone come over to the house for a few hours so she can get a nap in the middle of the day, or just curl up in her bed so she doesn't hurl. She had to beg for financial help because her husband can't make enough money to support the major medical needs of 3 members of the family. Would she have to do that if she didn't have hair?
Please don't write back and tell me I am out of line. I know I am being an A-hole here. I get it. I know that both of us are gaining invaluable wisdom out of this entire process, and God willing this part of it may be over in 6 months. I also feel that every SECOND I have with her is a gift directly from God in whatever shape she is in. But she is my wife and my best friend and it just rips me apart to see her going through all this.
The Dr told us that if we come back in 6 months and everything is still clear we can talk about stopping the chemo. That is a miracle. It would mean that they truly removed all the cancer from her body and they are not concerned about it returning any time soon. When she stops the pills, the effects and the chemo will hang out in her body for around a year. I imagine she will start improving through that year but it will still be another year before she is back to what could be normal. But that will mean that she beat it. By Gods Will, she will have survived this.
Did God need the Chemo? Was his miracle having Daniel jump on her and detect this undetectable cancer before it had a chance to wreck it's havoc? Or was all of that so we could experience this and grow from it and learn from it.
I know this is where I am supposed to tie in a great lesson that inspires people and makes them want to write my mother and tell them what a great son she has raised, or how great it is to see God in our lives through our faith. That is still there, I know what He has done for us, but I don't have it right now. I am mad at some of Triann's friends, and people in the store, and people at the park and all the folks that look at her and see a "normal" person and have no idea just how strong she is to be standing there at all, or what she has fought through to even be moving. To know that she does not get all the sympathy or empathy that she deserves drives me crazy.
I have done what I needed to do. I have written out all of my feelings about this and fought the urge to correct them as they came. I have let some raw emotions hit the screen and I will now walk away and let it be. There will be a time to come back and talk about how this fits, and where I see Gods hand in all of this. I hope it is soon.
e
Friday, July 31, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
The Daily Commute
It has been a week since I totalled my car and have been stuck sharing a car with my wife. Did I stay stuck? I have to admit that the first few days were a little rough, Trying to get Emily to school and then racing to work, but as I drove home tonight with Triann I had to stop and smile. With all that has been going on in our life recently we don't have a lot of time to just chat. We talk all the time, but it is usually about things that need to be done, or bills that need to be paid, or decisions that we need to make. Sitting together in traffic for 45 minutes has given us a chance to just catch up a little. We are piling together our resources now to try to find another vehicle, but I have to say I am hoping just a little bit that it takes a while, just so I can spend some more time hanging out with Triann on the daily commute.
Isn't it funny how things work out?
Isn't it funny how things work out?
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Well, on to plan B
I wrote yesterday that we had been denied by Cares based on our credit report. We found out today that it was because we had more than $8k in debt, and that is against their policies. Pretty bummed about the whole thing. I am not mad at Cares, but really confused about what I thought was fairly clear direction from God. Not much to do about it now other than keep pushing and try to come up with plan B. I guess in reality we are probably up to plan S or T by now.
With the car being totalled (I guess that is what you call it when the damage is 4 times more than what the car is worth) we had to do something with it so Triann made some calls and met a salvage guy at the body shop and sold the car to him today. We didn't get much for it, but anything is better than nothing.
Now it is time to put that in the bank and start adding to it to come up with another ride. I should be able to add some to that from the sale of some bike parts. That is an interesting story that I don't think I have shared. After the bank took the bike and it was sold at auction I received a letter in the mail from the guy that bought it. Not sure how he got my information but I was happy that he did. He said in his letter that he was sorry that I had lost my bike but that he would take real good care of it and that he noticed there were racks for bags on the bike and wanted to know if I was willing to sell them and if I had any other parts. I sent him back some prices for the bags and the other odds and ends I still had and we made a deal today. Again, not a ton but every bit will help. So that will be added to the funds from the BMW, the additional parts that I plan to sell on ebay or craigslist and our tax return. When that is all put together we will see what we have to work with. Triann and I both agree that a bike makes the most sense right now. I will be able to get a much more reliable bike for the amount we assume we will have in the account when all is said and done.
Back to housing. We signed a one year lease when we got here last year and Tara has been living with us and helping with the rent. She has now found a perfect apartment and has moved out. With our lease up in June, a 4 bedroom house and a higher rent than we are comfortable with it is time to find another place. We would really like to stay close to this area for Emily's school and for church but a little concerned at this point about how much trouble we are going to have finding a place based on the problems we had with Cares. Frustrating part is that even with outrageous rents we have had over the last 3 years (2100 and 1900/month in San Diego), we have never been late on a payment. I am not sure if that will be a compensating factor but praying that we can find something that fits the budget, is close to school/church and that will allow us to rent without paying for the whole year up front.
Not sure what inspiring words I can put at the end here. I am not overly inspired right now. I don't think I am as frustrated as I was yesterday but not on top of the glee wagon either. It would be so easy to start complaining and grumping about all of this (and maybe that is what I am doing here) but I am afraid that if I really start down that path I might not stop and that won't help anything. I can say today (couldn't yesterday) that I know we are still alright. We are alive, Triann is doing good, we have a roof and food and transportation so there is no justification in saying that He isn't watching out for us. It's just hard sometimes to keep watching certain things fall apart and not have any clue what is next. I know by now I should have that under control. I know that God promises to give us strength to get through and he has. So maybe this is a time to take inventory of all the things that we have and look forward to whatever the next challenge is. (knock on wood)
E
With the car being totalled (I guess that is what you call it when the damage is 4 times more than what the car is worth) we had to do something with it so Triann made some calls and met a salvage guy at the body shop and sold the car to him today. We didn't get much for it, but anything is better than nothing.
Now it is time to put that in the bank and start adding to it to come up with another ride. I should be able to add some to that from the sale of some bike parts. That is an interesting story that I don't think I have shared. After the bank took the bike and it was sold at auction I received a letter in the mail from the guy that bought it. Not sure how he got my information but I was happy that he did. He said in his letter that he was sorry that I had lost my bike but that he would take real good care of it and that he noticed there were racks for bags on the bike and wanted to know if I was willing to sell them and if I had any other parts. I sent him back some prices for the bags and the other odds and ends I still had and we made a deal today. Again, not a ton but every bit will help. So that will be added to the funds from the BMW, the additional parts that I plan to sell on ebay or craigslist and our tax return. When that is all put together we will see what we have to work with. Triann and I both agree that a bike makes the most sense right now. I will be able to get a much more reliable bike for the amount we assume we will have in the account when all is said and done.
Back to housing. We signed a one year lease when we got here last year and Tara has been living with us and helping with the rent. She has now found a perfect apartment and has moved out. With our lease up in June, a 4 bedroom house and a higher rent than we are comfortable with it is time to find another place. We would really like to stay close to this area for Emily's school and for church but a little concerned at this point about how much trouble we are going to have finding a place based on the problems we had with Cares. Frustrating part is that even with outrageous rents we have had over the last 3 years (2100 and 1900/month in San Diego), we have never been late on a payment. I am not sure if that will be a compensating factor but praying that we can find something that fits the budget, is close to school/church and that will allow us to rent without paying for the whole year up front.
Not sure what inspiring words I can put at the end here. I am not overly inspired right now. I don't think I am as frustrated as I was yesterday but not on top of the glee wagon either. It would be so easy to start complaining and grumping about all of this (and maybe that is what I am doing here) but I am afraid that if I really start down that path I might not stop and that won't help anything. I can say today (couldn't yesterday) that I know we are still alright. We are alive, Triann is doing good, we have a roof and food and transportation so there is no justification in saying that He isn't watching out for us. It's just hard sometimes to keep watching certain things fall apart and not have any clue what is next. I know by now I should have that under control. I know that God promises to give us strength to get through and he has. So maybe this is a time to take inventory of all the things that we have and look forward to whatever the next challenge is. (knock on wood)
E
Which way is up?
I still owe two more posts about my trip to Phoenix and Triann's trip to Hawaii but the events of the last few days have me a bit distracted.
The bank took my bike back last month. I was unable to make the payments and there were no arrangements that we could make to satisfy the amount I was behind so my daily commuter was gone. I also had a ‘89 BMW 325ix that Triann's parents had given to us. I used this for a back up for snow or ice days when I couldn’t ride the bike. This became my new commuter. Yesterday morning I was driving to work (for the first time in 5 weeks). There was a black Mazda that was weaving in and out of traffic cutting folks off. I didn’t see the final part but after talking to the folks I found that the Mazda had cut in front of the car in the front of my little incident and the gal made a motion with her phone to indicate she was going to call and report him. The Mazda decided to brake check this gal. The gal was able to stop in time as was the explorer behind her, unfortunately the guy in the bmw (me) was a little slow to react and punched into the explorer pushing him into the impala. Luckily no one was hurt and there was very minimal damage to the explorer and the impala. a little different story for the bmw. the explorer had a hitch receiver that saved it from most damage but did quite a number on the font end of the bmw. The hood, bumper, radiator, shroud and both quarter panels were smashed. I called AAA and had them tow the car to the repair shop. It was after I called the insurance company to get a claim number for the repair shop that I found out that we did not have full coverage on the bmw. We had it in the past, until I turned but I had turned it down to liability only because I was commuting on the bike. When I took the bike off the policy last month I did not turn the insurance back up to comp. Bottom line was no coverage as the accident was my fault. I received the estimate from the shop today and the total for the repairs was 7500.00. The blue book on the car was 1800. Even if I could afford it I don’t think it would make a lot of sense to put that kind of money into the car. So in a month and a half I have managed to loose two vehicles. The hardest thing about this is that I can’t blame anyone for any of it. Yes the guy was screwing around and his road rage or whatever it was started the process, but I was the one that didn’t stop in time, and as much as I would like to get mad at my insurance agent for not reminding me that we hadn’t changed the car back to full, I didn’t check myself. It is much easier to point the blame somewhere else then it is to know that it was your fault.
In other news… We have been working on an application for Cares Team ministry (http://caresteam.org). This is an apartment ministry that places a couple in an apartment complex to provide social activities for the complex. The ministry is a hands and feet evangelism ministry, meaning that it is not about thumping people over the head with the Bible, but showing them by your actions and creating opportunities to share your faith through normal conversations. The ministry provides the apartment to the couple in exchange for 70 hours a month of even planning and activities. My cousin Laura and her husband Shane are in place currently and have done a great job of explaining the ministry and what is expected. As a result of the last few months Triann and I were concerned that it was more than we could handle right now and that maybe we were excited about it for the wrong reasons. With all that has been going on, the idea of free or reduced rent is very appealing and we were afraid that is the main reason we were wanting to do it. We weren’t sure if we really had the energy or commitment necessary to do it right. All that being said we had decided to stop our application process for now. That was until this last week. All this week if felt like God was pushing us to go for it. Daily readings, small group Bible study and the Sermon on Sunday all seemed like they were talking about this directly. After talking and praying about it we felt that God was truly calling us to do this and we were ready to trust him to give us the energy we needed to do this well. I had just submitted my application and was sitting in the family room with Triann when we both received an email from the area coordinator for Cares. The email explained that based on our background check/credit report they would need to deny our application based on their policies. There wasn’t any information about what it was that triggered the denial, but it doesn’t take too much imagination to figure it out. Between the repossession of my bike and all of the collection and charge off accounts I have accumulated over that last few years I am sure the credit report looks like a mess. I will call them in them tomorrow to find out if there is anything that we can fix or explain, but I am not holding out a lot of hope for it right now.
I have to admit that I am confused and pretty frustrated right now. I had given up on this whole thing, thinking that it wasn’t what we should be doing right now. Then I felt like God was pushing us to complete the application and go forward with the process, only to have it fall apart.
So between that and the fact that for the first time in about 12 years we are sharing a car I am having a real hard time keeping my chin up.
I think this is really what faith is all about. Trusting God even when you can’t see a good reason to do so. I am writing that out to try and remind myself. Right now I don’t want to trust, I don’t want to hold on for “the good thing right around the corner”. I am tired and feel like I can’t do anything right. I am mad and frustrated and disappointed and confused. AAARRRRGGGGHHHH
I know that there is more to the story, I know that it is not about things being easy or making sense. That knowledge, my loving and patient wife and all our experiences with God and his providing the things that we need (not what we want, but what we need) is what is keeping me afloat right now.
That’s all right now… another opportunity to write things out and chew on them as they hit the screen.
E
Saturday, May 2, 2009
A Crazy 5 Weeks, Part I
Sorry for the long delay in posting, it has been a crazy 5 weeks. It started with a business trip to Monroe, Louisiana for 2 weeks. That is about 4 hours east of us so I was able to drive back and forth. The company rented me a car for the trip. With the travel company we are only able to set up rentals at local airports. Our airport is about 35 miles away so I decided to call Avis and change the reservation to a local shop closer to where we live. This seemed like such a good idea at the time, the only catch was that since it is a smaller shop the selection was a bit lacking. When I got there Sunday morning to pick up the car the only choice was an electric blue PT Cruiser.
I was not very happy about it but did not have the time to run down to the airport to change it out. The only bright spot (and it was a pretty big one) was that the car had satellite radio in it. I have had XM in the past and new that it makes a big difference on a real long trip. Anyway, the drive to Monroe was great. Nice scenery and a part of the country I hadn’t seen in years and I was able to listen to my old radio shows (The Shadow, Suspense, etc).
I tend to stay a the Residence Inn when I travel and found one in Monroe. The website said that it was close to a Railroad track but that measures had been taken to reduce the inconvenience. When I got into my room I found the “measures”… a set of earplugs and a personal sound machine, lol! I woke up the first night at 11, 12, 1, 2 and 3 not to the noise of the train (which was across the street) but to my bed bouncing around.
The Residence Inn offers a free breakfast buffet which is one of the reasons I like to stay there. It saves money and is convenient. The first day I went down for breakfast and the host asked me if she could help me with anything. She reminded me of the grandmother in Beerfest accent, long braids and all.
I told her I was good and I think I offended her. The whole rest of the week when I said good morning she would say “can I help you, oh that’s right, you can do it by yourself”. I really think I ticked her off. The guy at the front desk was a treat. Every day when I came back to the hotel he would ask me for my name. I would tell him and he would always say he couldn’t find me on the list. The genius tried to check me in every night. Now I don’t expect anyone to know my name, but wouldn’t you think that after a few nights you would recognize a guy and quit trying to check him in?
The first night I was there I ran over to Target to grab a part so I could plug in my X-Box (never travel without it). On the way out I asked the security guard for a good place to eat. He said he knew of a good pizza place. Said it was really good, but he was having trouble with the name. He finally got it out and it was Sbarro’s in the mall food court. It was 9pm on a Sunday so I asked if the mall was still open. He said no and I asked if he knew of another place I could eat tonight. He said there was a great chicken finger place called Canes. I said that sounded great and asked where it was. He said the mall food court. I reminded him again that it was closed and that I was looking for some place to eat right now. After this he thought for a minute or two and said that his uncle had a BBQ stand. Now this was exactly the kind of place I was looking for. I asked where it was, and he told me it was down the road behind a gas station and that I had to get there early, he was only open during weekdays between 11 and 2… I smiled and told him I would check it out and went out on my own to find someplace to eat.
Having all my complaining out of the way (it’s only there to give you something to chuckle about) I had a great two weeks. I have to say that the folks in Monroe were some of the nicest I have ever met. Always saying good morning and how are you in the office and out on the street.
After a quick weekend at home (and two more 4 hour drives) I ended up changing to the Courtyard and was able to sleep. I had some of the best food of almost any trip I had been on. There were more local hole in the wall restaurants there then I had seen in a long time and I spent my week eating my way through them all. My favorite was Rays PEGE. They made Po’ Boy sandwiches and my favorite was the fried shrimp Po’ Boy. I have already thought about driving back out there just for that sandwich.
My class was great and the management out there was incredible. I met some real great folks that will be good contacts in the future. I think we did a good job. I checked in with them last week and it sounded like they were all up and running which is the goal so I think it was a success.
Part II and III soon to follow.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
A well deserved break
Triann left yesterday for a girls weekend in Virginia Beach with her good friend Andrea Silbernagel. Andrea called Triann a few months ago and said she had a ticket and wanted to know if she should come out here or if Triann would like to go out there. Triann posed the question to me and I told her to get the heck out of town. Can you believe that this is the first time she has ever done anything like this? We were talking before she left and I am convinced this is the first time since the kids that she has gone anywhere by herself. Certainly it is the first time she has taken off somewhere just for fun.
For those of you who know my wife well, you know that she didn't want to do this. She takes her role as Mom seriously and felt that she should not leave us alone, at least not to do something fun. Does anyone else know someone like this? I know it's not what she intends but it makes me feel like a crumb. I don't know how long I would debate if the same opportunity came my way. I don't think it comes down to a comparison of how much either of us loves our family, but rather a level of responsibility.
I don't think that I am a "complete" slacker, but I know I am pretty close. Triann goes all the way to the other end of the spectrum, where she doesn't feel right doing things for herself. I can say that both of us have gotten better over the years, and this is part of what attracted us to each other in the first place. She was pulled in by my happy go lucky attitude, and I was drawn to her organized planed out style. Funny how the things that draw you are the things that drive you nuts down the road.
I think all of this is more bothersome to me now in light of these last few months. I wish I could get her to relax more and just enjoy life. Not feel guilty about a cup of coffee every few months, or trusting that God has things under control (I think he has proved that to us perfectly clearly). On the other hand, it would probably be easier for her to relax if she knew that I was there to pick up the slack. The bills have to be paid, the kids have to be fed and clothed and the house has to be cleaned. If I did a better job of all of that she might feel that she could relax.
I heard in a sermon once that a common misconception is that marriage is a 50/50 thing. He said that was bunk, that means you are only putting a half effort into it. He said a marriage should be 100/100. I know we are both working on getting there.
I know she is worried that something will happen while she is gone. Mainly she worries that I will lose Daniel. All because of that one Lowes incident (do you have any idea how many hiding places there are in the kitchen sample area of a home improvement warehouse).
She probably won't read this before she gets back, but just so you know I'm on it. It is a lot of work keeping house and caring for the kids, and it wears me out, but I love being able to do it so she can go and get some much needed rest and relaxation.
Love you babe!
E
For those of you who know my wife well, you know that she didn't want to do this. She takes her role as Mom seriously and felt that she should not leave us alone, at least not to do something fun. Does anyone else know someone like this? I know it's not what she intends but it makes me feel like a crumb. I don't know how long I would debate if the same opportunity came my way. I don't think it comes down to a comparison of how much either of us loves our family, but rather a level of responsibility.
I don't think that I am a "complete" slacker, but I know I am pretty close. Triann goes all the way to the other end of the spectrum, where she doesn't feel right doing things for herself. I can say that both of us have gotten better over the years, and this is part of what attracted us to each other in the first place. She was pulled in by my happy go lucky attitude, and I was drawn to her organized planed out style. Funny how the things that draw you are the things that drive you nuts down the road.
I think all of this is more bothersome to me now in light of these last few months. I wish I could get her to relax more and just enjoy life. Not feel guilty about a cup of coffee every few months, or trusting that God has things under control (I think he has proved that to us perfectly clearly). On the other hand, it would probably be easier for her to relax if she knew that I was there to pick up the slack. The bills have to be paid, the kids have to be fed and clothed and the house has to be cleaned. If I did a better job of all of that she might feel that she could relax.
I heard in a sermon once that a common misconception is that marriage is a 50/50 thing. He said that was bunk, that means you are only putting a half effort into it. He said a marriage should be 100/100. I know we are both working on getting there.
I know she is worried that something will happen while she is gone. Mainly she worries that I will lose Daniel. All because of that one Lowes incident (do you have any idea how many hiding places there are in the kitchen sample area of a home improvement warehouse).
She probably won't read this before she gets back, but just so you know I'm on it. It is a lot of work keeping house and caring for the kids, and it wears me out, but I love being able to do it so she can go and get some much needed rest and relaxation.
Love you babe!
E
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Sometimes Life Sucks
We have all been here, we are catching up with a friend and asking how things are. Expecting to hear the typical "great" we instead catch them at a moment of need and they share with us some horrible tragedy in their life. It could be anything... the passing of a parent, spouse or child, a severe illness or more prevalent recently the loss of a job and or a home. What do we say? How can we help them?
Often we try to think of something helpful. Some way to give them a piece of advice or some profound saying or encouraging word. Some people have been through something similar and will say they know just what you are going through, or respond autobiographically (my mom just died... I'm sorry, my mom died last Christmas and it took forever to get over it, in fact I don't know if you ever get over it, etc, etc, etc). Many Christians will dig into their bag of verses or will attempt to explain why God allows this stuff to happen. This is when the classics come out... "God is preparing you for something even greater", "It is all part of God's plan", "This too will pass", etc.
Bottom line is that you feel horrible and maybe a little uncomfortable and are trying to come up with something that will help. Let me suggest this, two simple words...
"That Sucks"
Think about it. Think about a time when you have been in that situation. Scared, hurting, broken inside and you share that with someone else only to have them explain why you shouldn't be, or what you should do about it, or how it won't last long, when all you really want is for someone to acknowledge that you are going through a mess, someone to tell you that it just sucks.
There is time for the help and the commiseration later, explaining to them how you got through your own ordeal or offering encouragement, but we have to start by acknowledging the tragedy.
Just to clarify, I believe that God does use the crappy things that happen in this life for good, but I don't believe he causes them. What good could come from this stuff? I don't even pretend that I understand how He thinks or what His plan is, but I can tell you a few things that I have seen.
When we found out that Emily would be born with a birth defect (spina bifida) we were devastated. I personally felt sorry for myself that I would not have a "normal" child, and then sorry for Emily, that she would have to deal with this her whole life and I was mad at God for allowing this to happen. Fast forward 3 months to Emily's birth and extended stay in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) and the day we met the Liebelts. They had just found out that their unborn daughter also had spina bifida and were told by the Dr that there was not much hope and they should consider terminating the pregnancy. An aunt happened to be a NICU nurse who was helping with Emily and asked us if we would be willing to talk with them. We spent the next hour or so looking through pictures and answering their questions. Now 7 years later our daughters are best friends and Triann and Lex talk at least weekly.
This silly blog is another example. I would never have put this together if I hadn't been so ready to explode from all of the crap with Triann and cancer that I had to find an outlet. I have heard over and over that my silly ramblings have been encouraging to others that are going through their own garbage. Is it because I am a brilliant writer, stunning people with my amazing prose? Absolutely not, it is God using our tragedy to help others. I am just proud to be in the middle of it.
I'll wrap it up... I am not a shrink, and certainly not a genius, but from personal experience and through talking with others that have also been through some junk (who hasn't?) I know that sometimes life sucks.
The next time someone shares with you about their current tragedy, stop and consider before you respond, maybe "that sucks" is all they need to hear.
E
Often we try to think of something helpful. Some way to give them a piece of advice or some profound saying or encouraging word. Some people have been through something similar and will say they know just what you are going through, or respond autobiographically (my mom just died... I'm sorry, my mom died last Christmas and it took forever to get over it, in fact I don't know if you ever get over it, etc, etc, etc). Many Christians will dig into their bag of verses or will attempt to explain why God allows this stuff to happen. This is when the classics come out... "God is preparing you for something even greater", "It is all part of God's plan", "This too will pass", etc.
Bottom line is that you feel horrible and maybe a little uncomfortable and are trying to come up with something that will help. Let me suggest this, two simple words...
"That Sucks"
Think about it. Think about a time when you have been in that situation. Scared, hurting, broken inside and you share that with someone else only to have them explain why you shouldn't be, or what you should do about it, or how it won't last long, when all you really want is for someone to acknowledge that you are going through a mess, someone to tell you that it just sucks.
There is time for the help and the commiseration later, explaining to them how you got through your own ordeal or offering encouragement, but we have to start by acknowledging the tragedy.
Just to clarify, I believe that God does use the crappy things that happen in this life for good, but I don't believe he causes them. What good could come from this stuff? I don't even pretend that I understand how He thinks or what His plan is, but I can tell you a few things that I have seen.
When we found out that Emily would be born with a birth defect (spina bifida) we were devastated. I personally felt sorry for myself that I would not have a "normal" child, and then sorry for Emily, that she would have to deal with this her whole life and I was mad at God for allowing this to happen. Fast forward 3 months to Emily's birth and extended stay in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) and the day we met the Liebelts. They had just found out that their unborn daughter also had spina bifida and were told by the Dr that there was not much hope and they should consider terminating the pregnancy. An aunt happened to be a NICU nurse who was helping with Emily and asked us if we would be willing to talk with them. We spent the next hour or so looking through pictures and answering their questions. Now 7 years later our daughters are best friends and Triann and Lex talk at least weekly.
This silly blog is another example. I would never have put this together if I hadn't been so ready to explode from all of the crap with Triann and cancer that I had to find an outlet. I have heard over and over that my silly ramblings have been encouraging to others that are going through their own garbage. Is it because I am a brilliant writer, stunning people with my amazing prose? Absolutely not, it is God using our tragedy to help others. I am just proud to be in the middle of it.
I'll wrap it up... I am not a shrink, and certainly not a genius, but from personal experience and through talking with others that have also been through some junk (who hasn't?) I know that sometimes life sucks.
The next time someone shares with you about their current tragedy, stop and consider before you respond, maybe "that sucks" is all they need to hear.
E
Monday, March 16, 2009
A modern day miracle
Dictionary.com describes a miracle as an effect or extraordinary event in the physical world that surpasses all known human or natural powers and is ascribed to a supernatural cause. Well, lets see if this fits the bill.
Triann went to Houston again for her scans. These scans were to be compared to the scans in November to see if there were any hot spots. The biggest struggle I have had with this whole thing is that there is just so little information about Triann's form of cancer. There are relatively few cases of Adrenal cancer to begin with but the vast majority of them are stage 4. This means that the cancer has spread to other parts of the body and is very difficult to treat. Because of this most of the information available has a very grim outlook. There are only a handful of cases where for whatever reason the cancer is found prior to stage 4.
I didn't really know what to expect when we went down there, but was very surprised when the doctor came back with a huge smile on his face and told us he was surprised but there were no hot spots. He was so comfortable with Triann's current state that he said we do not need to come back down for 6 months (instead of the normal 3 month gap). He did say that Triann needed to up her Mitotane levels but that once she reached the level of 13 (whatever that means) she could back off the pills.
Let me try to explain why I think this qualifies as a miracle. Bear with me, since I have to go back a bit to set this all up.
Emily was born with a Latex allergy. This meant that Triann had to quit selling rubber stamps and I had to quit selling conveyor belt. Aaron Lane was selling mortgages for Aames Home Loans in Portland and got me an interview. I progressed through jobs inside Aames until Aames was bought by Accredited and I was relocated to their San Diego headquarters in March 07. We thought the move made sense since I had been traveling to San Diego weekly for most of 06. Things didn't quite turn out how we expected since the company closed down most of its operations and I was layed off in August (yes... 5 months after we got there). I looked for a job for 3 months with 0 results. I ended up at Chase based on a dinner conversation between my old boss and my new boss who happen to be related. I understand it went something like this...
New Boss "I am looking for a trainer in San Diego"
Old Boss "That's funny, we just laid a guy off in San Diego"
New Boss "Did you let him go because he wasn't any good"
Old Boss "Oh no, he was the best trainer we had, great with people, quick learner, a real stand up guy, we hated to see him go"
New Boss "Man that's great, I have been interviewing tons of folks for the job, but haven't found just the right one"
Old Boss "Give Eric a call, you won't be disappointed"
(I am not entirely sure it went just like that, but it works for me)
Anyway, I hired on at Chase but after 3 months of no pay in San Diego we were really hurting financially. I heard that there was an opening for my same position in Dallas and approached my boss about it. He said I could transfer out there on my own dime and they would open the position in San Diego instead. This made sense since the cost of living was so much cheaper in Dallas so we did it. We landed here in Dallas in June of '08.
Hang tight, we are getting close to the end...
We were not sure about our decision, when we got here we walked right into the heat of the summer, 110 plus days and $550 electric bills. Any savings we were expecting were eating up by the utilities (I have never paid more than $150 for electricity in my life). In September Triann and I were sitting around talking about whether or not we had made the right decision to come out here, two days later we were celebrating our 13th anniversary in Plano Presbyterian hospital and they were explaining that Triann had a Tumor and that she should get her affairs in order. After that shock we were told that the oncologist was not comfortable with treating Triann and that we needed to go to the best Cancer hospital in the country, MD Anderson.
OK, so did you follow all of that? Let me 'splain... no there is too much. Let me sum up (sorry for that)
If Emily wasn't born with the latex issue I wouldn't have gone to Aames, If I hadn't gone to Aames I wouldn't have been moved to San Diego. If I hadn't gone to San Diego and been laid off I wouldn't have been looking for work. If I hadn't been looking for work (and worked for my old boss at Aames) I wouldn't have hired on at Chase. If I hadn't hired on at Chase, I wouldn't have moved to Dallas. If I hadn't moved to Dallas, I wouldn't have been withing driving distance of the country's best cancer center. If we hadn't have gone through all the stressful things we have already gone through we wouldn't have been ready to deal with this.
Do I need to go on? How about the fact that If Daniel had not jumped on Triann we NEVER would have found the tumor before it grew to a stage 4 (is everyone clear on this? the only way people EVER find this is after it has spread to the lungs and it is noticed there). And now after it was removed there is no sign of any residual stuff anywhere in her body, are you kidding me?
A lot of coinkidinks don't you think? I am sure that you could argue that it was all just chance, that God doesn't care about silly things like this. You could argue all you want, just don't do it with me. I believe whole heartedly that He is interested in our daily lives and if we stop and look long enough we can see His hand (re-read the above).
I want to make a point, and then I will quit for now. Christianity is a greatly misunderstood thing, even by Christians. True Christianity is about a relationship with Christ. We talk to Him through prayer and He talks to us through the Bible and our lives. Deciding to follow Christ does not (I repeat DOES NOT) mean that your life will be easy. No where in the bible does he say that (despite what you hear from some televangelists). It does however say that he will not give you ANYTHING that you cannot handle. That is what makes the difference. I know that I am not doing this alone. Once more, read above.
I think the whole thing qualifies as a miracle (an effect or extraordinary event in the physical world that surpasses all known human or natural powers and is ascribed to a supernatural cause).
How about you?
E
Triann went to Houston again for her scans. These scans were to be compared to the scans in November to see if there were any hot spots. The biggest struggle I have had with this whole thing is that there is just so little information about Triann's form of cancer. There are relatively few cases of Adrenal cancer to begin with but the vast majority of them are stage 4. This means that the cancer has spread to other parts of the body and is very difficult to treat. Because of this most of the information available has a very grim outlook. There are only a handful of cases where for whatever reason the cancer is found prior to stage 4.
I didn't really know what to expect when we went down there, but was very surprised when the doctor came back with a huge smile on his face and told us he was surprised but there were no hot spots. He was so comfortable with Triann's current state that he said we do not need to come back down for 6 months (instead of the normal 3 month gap). He did say that Triann needed to up her Mitotane levels but that once she reached the level of 13 (whatever that means) she could back off the pills.
Let me try to explain why I think this qualifies as a miracle. Bear with me, since I have to go back a bit to set this all up.
Emily was born with a Latex allergy. This meant that Triann had to quit selling rubber stamps and I had to quit selling conveyor belt. Aaron Lane was selling mortgages for Aames Home Loans in Portland and got me an interview. I progressed through jobs inside Aames until Aames was bought by Accredited and I was relocated to their San Diego headquarters in March 07. We thought the move made sense since I had been traveling to San Diego weekly for most of 06. Things didn't quite turn out how we expected since the company closed down most of its operations and I was layed off in August (yes... 5 months after we got there). I looked for a job for 3 months with 0 results. I ended up at Chase based on a dinner conversation between my old boss and my new boss who happen to be related. I understand it went something like this...
New Boss "I am looking for a trainer in San Diego"
Old Boss "That's funny, we just laid a guy off in San Diego"
New Boss "Did you let him go because he wasn't any good"
Old Boss "Oh no, he was the best trainer we had, great with people, quick learner, a real stand up guy, we hated to see him go"
New Boss "Man that's great, I have been interviewing tons of folks for the job, but haven't found just the right one"
Old Boss "Give Eric a call, you won't be disappointed"
(I am not entirely sure it went just like that, but it works for me)
Anyway, I hired on at Chase but after 3 months of no pay in San Diego we were really hurting financially. I heard that there was an opening for my same position in Dallas and approached my boss about it. He said I could transfer out there on my own dime and they would open the position in San Diego instead. This made sense since the cost of living was so much cheaper in Dallas so we did it. We landed here in Dallas in June of '08.
Hang tight, we are getting close to the end...
We were not sure about our decision, when we got here we walked right into the heat of the summer, 110 plus days and $550 electric bills. Any savings we were expecting were eating up by the utilities (I have never paid more than $150 for electricity in my life). In September Triann and I were sitting around talking about whether or not we had made the right decision to come out here, two days later we were celebrating our 13th anniversary in Plano Presbyterian hospital and they were explaining that Triann had a Tumor and that she should get her affairs in order. After that shock we were told that the oncologist was not comfortable with treating Triann and that we needed to go to the best Cancer hospital in the country, MD Anderson.
OK, so did you follow all of that? Let me 'splain... no there is too much. Let me sum up (sorry for that)
If Emily wasn't born with the latex issue I wouldn't have gone to Aames, If I hadn't gone to Aames I wouldn't have been moved to San Diego. If I hadn't gone to San Diego and been laid off I wouldn't have been looking for work. If I hadn't been looking for work (and worked for my old boss at Aames) I wouldn't have hired on at Chase. If I hadn't hired on at Chase, I wouldn't have moved to Dallas. If I hadn't moved to Dallas, I wouldn't have been withing driving distance of the country's best cancer center. If we hadn't have gone through all the stressful things we have already gone through we wouldn't have been ready to deal with this.
Do I need to go on? How about the fact that If Daniel had not jumped on Triann we NEVER would have found the tumor before it grew to a stage 4 (is everyone clear on this? the only way people EVER find this is after it has spread to the lungs and it is noticed there). And now after it was removed there is no sign of any residual stuff anywhere in her body, are you kidding me?
A lot of coinkidinks don't you think? I am sure that you could argue that it was all just chance, that God doesn't care about silly things like this. You could argue all you want, just don't do it with me. I believe whole heartedly that He is interested in our daily lives and if we stop and look long enough we can see His hand (re-read the above).
I want to make a point, and then I will quit for now. Christianity is a greatly misunderstood thing, even by Christians. True Christianity is about a relationship with Christ. We talk to Him through prayer and He talks to us through the Bible and our lives. Deciding to follow Christ does not (I repeat DOES NOT) mean that your life will be easy. No where in the bible does he say that (despite what you hear from some televangelists). It does however say that he will not give you ANYTHING that you cannot handle. That is what makes the difference. I know that I am not doing this alone. Once more, read above.
I think the whole thing qualifies as a miracle (an effect or extraordinary event in the physical world that surpasses all known human or natural powers and is ascribed to a supernatural cause).
How about you?
E
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Crossroads
Triann and I met at Lutheran Bible Institute in Issaqwah, WA in September of 1995. I can still remember the moment I met her. A group of us guys were sitting in the couches at the top of the common stairs. We had the typical gang courage and were stopping all the girls as they came up the stairs, asking them their names, ages and where they were. I said gang courage because I don't think any of us would have had the guts to do that on our own, but in a group we were all willing to throw it out there. So up the stairs comes this absolutely gorgeous brunette, with curly brown hair, makeup, nails and dressed like a star. We asked her name and she told us Triann, we asked where she was from and she said Bellevue, we asked her age and she said guess... We all guessed high, I guessed 26 and she wouldn't tell us if we were even close (turned out she was 18 but didn't want to tell us that. She smiled with that smile that still melts my heart and headed down the hall, headed wherever she was headed before we stopped her, but she might have had an even bigger smile on her face. We didn't really hang out just the two of us, but the groups that we ended up running with would always end up together. After a month or so of this, I finally got up the courage to ask her to go for a walk with me. We walked around the campus. It was great. The next months were awesome. I remember the first time we held hands, went to dinner, kissed, and layed in the grass staring at the stars and talking about dream homes. Some of the best memories were the walks, eating Chinese at QVC, and coloring together in the running cup.
This went on for the rest of the 92/93 school year. That summer Triann stayed with her uncle in Salem and worked at The Bon so we were still able to hang out. In the fall we both headed back up to Issaquah. The fun dating and flirting went on for that next semester and then I was kicked out of bible college. What??? Yup, kicked out on academic probation. Read back through what I have written and you will see part of what I focused on during that time. Now before anyone reads into this that I am blaming Triann for me getting the boot, it was all me. The time that I wasn't in class, or running around with Triann, I was screwing around on my own. Up all night playing games, visiting and making life long friends. All fun and all good for me but the bottom line was I got the boot because I didn't study.
I had been working on a bachelors degree in Youth and Family Ministry. I had spent my whole growing up involved with the church and my older teen years working with the youth group at my church. I loved the Lord and knew that was what I wanted to do with my life. Getting kicked out of bible college was devastating. In the Lutheran church (where I grew up) to be a pastor you needed a 4 year bachelors and then another 4 years in seminary. 8 years, and I blew it after a year and a half. I went back home to Vancouver, WA and started working for a temp agency taking odd jobs (A whole other post about that) and then heard about Lutheran Youth Encounter. This was a ministry out of Minneapolis, MN that sent teams out for a year, playing music and working with kids in 6 different regions of the US. I sent in an audition tape of my singing and bass playing and made the cut. This started our year of being apart. I proposed to Triann and then jumped on a plane and headed out for a year.
What a year it was, we traveled to a new town in the South Central region (NE, IA, KS, MO, AR, OK, TX and LA) EVERY day, set up, played our gig at the church and then went to stay at a host families house... EVERY night. It was a blast. I met some incredible people and had some incredible experiences that year. Even though Triann and I missed each other terribly, I count that as one of the greatest times of my life. Abilene was a small town in the middle of Kansas. Our team had two stops there that year and I had some incredible times there and made some great relationships... When the year was over, I received a call from Trinity Lutheran Church in Abilene asking if I would be interested in working for them as a Youth Director. What??? I got kicked out of school, but they still wanted me to work there, doing what I had wanted to do. Of course I said yes.
I got home in August, and Triann and I were married on September 30th 1995. Two days later we jumped into the car and took a nice long drive out to Kansas for our honeymoon, by way of Lake Tahoe, Vegas, Sante Fe, and Colorado Springs (again a whole separate post, probably more entertaining from Trianns perspective). We showed up, moved into our first place and went to work. In early 1997 the church was going through some difficulties regarding the split in the ELCA (Evangelical Lutheran Church of America) and the end result was I left. Why?
Tough to answer, there were many reasons to leave and probably just as many to stay. Ultimately I ended up taking a position as a police officer for Abilene and thus ended my career in the church.
Why am I writing all of this? Honestly it is more for me than it is for you. I have been struggling since I left the church, knowing deep down in my heart of hearts that I was supposed to be working for God, but coming up with a million and one reasons why it wouldn't work. I heard my 3rd sermon in as many months this weekend regarding getting involved with the church. Moving to the 3rd step in many ministry models, Meet God, Meet People and Meet Needs. The concept is that a non believer first has to find God and start his relationship with him, then he meets other believers and refines his faith, then he takes his role in the body of Christ and starts to meet the needs of others.
So after years of pushing back, I am now ready to jump in. The best part is I have no idea what that means. I know what I am good at. I am a great facilitator/teacher taking complex topics and delivering them to a wide range of people in such a way that they are understood and owned by the recipients. I love talking to large groups and currently have a job where I am presenting to groups ranging from 6 to 90 people. But I still don't know what I am supposed to do. Do I go back to school, take night classes and try to finish my biblical studies degree to see where that takes me? Will I end up standing in front of a congregation sharing with others how a personal relationship with Christ can change their lives. Or will I be a lay worker (fancy church word for a volunteer), helping around the church leading studies or working with the men's group? How will God use me, what does He want me to do?
Truth is I have no idea and I am ok with that. I am really surprising myself with this. In the past I would already be obsessing with this, trying to plan out what is next and what I need to do. But with the events of the last few months and having finally got it through my thick head that God is in control and will clearly show me where to go, I am not worried about it. I am having fun imagining all the options and feeling the peace of finally turning this over to Him.
I have requested an appointment with my Sr Pastor to talk about education and opportunities to help in the church and will see what I learn from that. I have to say I am very excited about the prospect of finishing my degree, and with all the online options out there today I think I could probably pull it off. Finances... well that is another story entirely. If I can't afford to get us down to Houston for Triann's testing, how in the world could I even dream about paying for school again. Once again, No Idea. But it doesn't hurt to dream, and if it is what God wants me to do, then it will work out.
So here we are 13 years later and I am faced with the exciting prospect of closing this circle, maybe finishing my education, maybe getting involved with the church and maybe crossing the road into the next chapter of my life. Whatever happens, I have now taken my control away and turned it over to God. I am not scared, actually I am excited because I am doing this with the support of the two most important people in my life. My God, and my Wife.
E
This went on for the rest of the 92/93 school year. That summer Triann stayed with her uncle in Salem and worked at The Bon so we were still able to hang out. In the fall we both headed back up to Issaquah. The fun dating and flirting went on for that next semester and then I was kicked out of bible college. What??? Yup, kicked out on academic probation. Read back through what I have written and you will see part of what I focused on during that time. Now before anyone reads into this that I am blaming Triann for me getting the boot, it was all me. The time that I wasn't in class, or running around with Triann, I was screwing around on my own. Up all night playing games, visiting and making life long friends. All fun and all good for me but the bottom line was I got the boot because I didn't study.
I had been working on a bachelors degree in Youth and Family Ministry. I had spent my whole growing up involved with the church and my older teen years working with the youth group at my church. I loved the Lord and knew that was what I wanted to do with my life. Getting kicked out of bible college was devastating. In the Lutheran church (where I grew up) to be a pastor you needed a 4 year bachelors and then another 4 years in seminary. 8 years, and I blew it after a year and a half. I went back home to Vancouver, WA and started working for a temp agency taking odd jobs (A whole other post about that) and then heard about Lutheran Youth Encounter. This was a ministry out of Minneapolis, MN that sent teams out for a year, playing music and working with kids in 6 different regions of the US. I sent in an audition tape of my singing and bass playing and made the cut. This started our year of being apart. I proposed to Triann and then jumped on a plane and headed out for a year.
What a year it was, we traveled to a new town in the South Central region (NE, IA, KS, MO, AR, OK, TX and LA) EVERY day, set up, played our gig at the church and then went to stay at a host families house... EVERY night. It was a blast. I met some incredible people and had some incredible experiences that year. Even though Triann and I missed each other terribly, I count that as one of the greatest times of my life. Abilene was a small town in the middle of Kansas. Our team had two stops there that year and I had some incredible times there and made some great relationships... When the year was over, I received a call from Trinity Lutheran Church in Abilene asking if I would be interested in working for them as a Youth Director. What??? I got kicked out of school, but they still wanted me to work there, doing what I had wanted to do. Of course I said yes.
I got home in August, and Triann and I were married on September 30th 1995. Two days later we jumped into the car and took a nice long drive out to Kansas for our honeymoon, by way of Lake Tahoe, Vegas, Sante Fe, and Colorado Springs (again a whole separate post, probably more entertaining from Trianns perspective). We showed up, moved into our first place and went to work. In early 1997 the church was going through some difficulties regarding the split in the ELCA (Evangelical Lutheran Church of America) and the end result was I left. Why?
Tough to answer, there were many reasons to leave and probably just as many to stay. Ultimately I ended up taking a position as a police officer for Abilene and thus ended my career in the church.
Why am I writing all of this? Honestly it is more for me than it is for you. I have been struggling since I left the church, knowing deep down in my heart of hearts that I was supposed to be working for God, but coming up with a million and one reasons why it wouldn't work. I heard my 3rd sermon in as many months this weekend regarding getting involved with the church. Moving to the 3rd step in many ministry models, Meet God, Meet People and Meet Needs. The concept is that a non believer first has to find God and start his relationship with him, then he meets other believers and refines his faith, then he takes his role in the body of Christ and starts to meet the needs of others.
So after years of pushing back, I am now ready to jump in. The best part is I have no idea what that means. I know what I am good at. I am a great facilitator/teacher taking complex topics and delivering them to a wide range of people in such a way that they are understood and owned by the recipients. I love talking to large groups and currently have a job where I am presenting to groups ranging from 6 to 90 people. But I still don't know what I am supposed to do. Do I go back to school, take night classes and try to finish my biblical studies degree to see where that takes me? Will I end up standing in front of a congregation sharing with others how a personal relationship with Christ can change their lives. Or will I be a lay worker (fancy church word for a volunteer), helping around the church leading studies or working with the men's group? How will God use me, what does He want me to do?
Truth is I have no idea and I am ok with that. I am really surprising myself with this. In the past I would already be obsessing with this, trying to plan out what is next and what I need to do. But with the events of the last few months and having finally got it through my thick head that God is in control and will clearly show me where to go, I am not worried about it. I am having fun imagining all the options and feeling the peace of finally turning this over to Him.
I have requested an appointment with my Sr Pastor to talk about education and opportunities to help in the church and will see what I learn from that. I have to say I am very excited about the prospect of finishing my degree, and with all the online options out there today I think I could probably pull it off. Finances... well that is another story entirely. If I can't afford to get us down to Houston for Triann's testing, how in the world could I even dream about paying for school again. Once again, No Idea. But it doesn't hurt to dream, and if it is what God wants me to do, then it will work out.
So here we are 13 years later and I am faced with the exciting prospect of closing this circle, maybe finishing my education, maybe getting involved with the church and maybe crossing the road into the next chapter of my life. Whatever happens, I have now taken my control away and turned it over to God. I am not scared, actually I am excited because I am doing this with the support of the two most important people in my life. My God, and my Wife.
E
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Here we go again...
Well, not doing so good keeping up with this. Life has been pretty hectic but good. Triann is up to 8 pills a day now and is very tired but is doing well. I don't know if anyone is actually surprised by that. She is an amazing woman. Just a summary for those new to this. Triann had her adrenal tumor removed in October and we had a visit to MD Anderson cancer center in Houston in November. At that time they took a full body scan. That scan by itself doesn't tell the doctors anything until they have another one to compare it to. So on the 24th of this month (February) we head back down again to have the next scan. With this one they can compare the two and find out if there is cancer anywhere else in her body or if it is gone.
So here we are. It has been a bit of a roller coaster since the initial hospital visit on our anniversary and I think we are coasting right now. Neither of us know whether to say "Triann has cancer" or "Triann had cancer". Other than the fact that the pills are kicking her butt, (making her tired and nauseous), you wouldn't know by looking at her that anything is wrong. And maybe nothing is... it is a weird place to be. Honestly I have not spent much time worrying about the next visit to Houston, even though if the scan comes back showing anything we will be right back in the thick of it. I guess that God is giving both of us peace about this whole thing, and for that I am thankful.
The trip is already starting to come together. My mom is flying down to go with us to Houston and help with the kids, and a co-worker has given us hotel points to use for a room while we are there. We are desperately trying to put funds away to cover gas and food, but I know that the finances will work out also. It is pretty amazing how God works in our lives, even with the things that must be trivial to him.
So here we go again, heading South, trusting God and waiting to see what is next.
E
So here we are. It has been a bit of a roller coaster since the initial hospital visit on our anniversary and I think we are coasting right now. Neither of us know whether to say "Triann has cancer" or "Triann had cancer". Other than the fact that the pills are kicking her butt, (making her tired and nauseous), you wouldn't know by looking at her that anything is wrong. And maybe nothing is... it is a weird place to be. Honestly I have not spent much time worrying about the next visit to Houston, even though if the scan comes back showing anything we will be right back in the thick of it. I guess that God is giving both of us peace about this whole thing, and for that I am thankful.
The trip is already starting to come together. My mom is flying down to go with us to Houston and help with the kids, and a co-worker has given us hotel points to use for a room while we are there. We are desperately trying to put funds away to cover gas and food, but I know that the finances will work out also. It is pretty amazing how God works in our lives, even with the things that must be trivial to him.
So here we go again, heading South, trusting God and waiting to see what is next.
E
Saturday, January 17, 2009
A new year
Sorry for the long delay, has been quite a new year so far. All in the house have taken their turn with this nasty stomach bug, not a flu but might as well be. We have all been down for at least 6 days each. Triann and the kids are just finishing their round now so we are slowly coming back to life. phew...
It is very customary to make a new year resolution. Setting your mind to do something different in the new year. This has not been a big deal for us in the past but we both took an interesting twist on it this year. Rather than resolving to do something physical (diet, exercise etc) we have both had the strong feeling that this is going to be a great year. I don't think it is something we have to do, but rather something we are supposed to expect or look for. So I guess we have resolved to change our perspective. I think that makes sense. Glass half full, lemon-aid from lemons etc.
Looking back at our past we can see all sorts of "bad" things that have happened to us, but couldn't we also say that each of those bad things brought us something good, or taught us something about ourselves and our faith? All of these things we can look back at now and see how we benefited from them. Emily with her disability, job losses and moves, the fire, our financial situation, Triann's health, my health... all of these were "bad" but all have brought us incredible gifts and lessons as well.
Our resolution for this year is to look for that gift and receive it in real time instead of having to look back to see them. I feel strongly, as does Triann, that God has incredible blessings for us this year and we are ready to receive them.
It is very customary to make a new year resolution. Setting your mind to do something different in the new year. This has not been a big deal for us in the past but we both took an interesting twist on it this year. Rather than resolving to do something physical (diet, exercise etc) we have both had the strong feeling that this is going to be a great year. I don't think it is something we have to do, but rather something we are supposed to expect or look for. So I guess we have resolved to change our perspective. I think that makes sense. Glass half full, lemon-aid from lemons etc.
Looking back at our past we can see all sorts of "bad" things that have happened to us, but couldn't we also say that each of those bad things brought us something good, or taught us something about ourselves and our faith? All of these things we can look back at now and see how we benefited from them. Emily with her disability, job losses and moves, the fire, our financial situation, Triann's health, my health... all of these were "bad" but all have brought us incredible gifts and lessons as well.
Our resolution for this year is to look for that gift and receive it in real time instead of having to look back to see them. I feel strongly, as does Triann, that God has incredible blessings for us this year and we are ready to receive them.
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