My Glow in the Dark Rock

The world feels like it is crashing in on me. I was not prepared to hear what the doctor had to say. Actually it wasn't our doctor, he sent in a different surgeon to explain the prognosis. I can only imagine it was because he couldn't figure out how to convey it himself, or it baffled him, or or or. Whoever delivered it, it was still the same. The mass on her ovary that prompted the full hysterectomy and started Triann on menopause at 40 years old was not actually an ovarian tumor but in fact a recurrence of the adrenal cancer from 7 years ago.

A recurrence

Of the adrenal cancer

From 7 years ago

They told us over and over again that as long as it didn't come back she would be ok. If it came back it would likely be from spreading to all of the the parts and pieces that the tumor was originally touching 7 years ago. The cancer would then take over these other parts and pieces and it would be all but impossible to effectively fight it. It would likely end in a very bad way.

But it came back on an ovary, on the opposite side of her body, that wasn't touching the original tumor. The removed all of her lady parts and the pathology on everything was clean, no growth, no cancer. Except for the grapefruit sized (17.5cm x 16.4cm x 15.3cm) tumor that had consumed her ovary.

So now we wait for her Oncologist at MD Anderson in Houston to review all of the slides from this tumor and the 2007 grapefruit sized tumor, to determine what it will take to treat her this time. Another 3 years of taking 14 DDT (yes that DDT, the illegal pesticide) pills daily like she did from 2007 to 2010. Something better something worse?

She is resting now at home. Her parents are here helping with everything (we couldn't do this without them) and she is starting to feel better, despite having lost so many parts and pieces through this surgery. It will be 6-8 weeks before she can lift more than 10lbs (emily is 50lbs) and I assume by then we will be on our way into whatever this new treatment that will take her out for however long.

I am really having troubles with all of this. My best friend is potentially headed back into what she would tell you were the worst 3 years of her life. That poison not only suppressed her adrenal gland and any potential cancer (well, apparently not any...) but made her sick, 24 hours a day. No energy, memory loss, inability to think clearly, no appetite etc. I have a strong faith and know that we can get through anything, but I don't want her to go through this again... and I am pretty upset about it. I want this girl to have some time to just live. I'm not unthankful for the last 3 years of peace, but is that her max?

Past the physical part, I am beyond scared about our finances. While I am trying to get Triann's Pantry (our new business) off the ground, Triann has been the primary bread winner with her party sales at Thirty-One Gifts. I have been able to supplement by playing bass with The Jessie Leigh Band, but Triann is still bringing home the bulk of the money. With her out of commission for who knows how long I have no idea how to pack mixes, hold her purse parties, play bass across the country and be a solid helper her at the house. I don't see the answer and I don't know how to fix it.

I don't know how to fix it.

So I am walking around in a daze, I've got 99 problems and I don't know how to fix one.... (sorry).

Yesterday I heard the mailman and wandered outside to see what was new. Bills, catalogs, maybe a mysterious check. As I was slowly walking out, with my head down and spinning, a woman walking down our street called out. I couldn't hear what she said but I stopped and looked at her. She was in her early 60's, about 5'5" wearing pink track pants and a blue windbreaker. Her brown and white hair was sticking out of a pink sun visor and she was pushing a basket. Immediately judged her, and assumed she was coming to ask me for help with gas, or money for a hotel or any other lie to get money for booze or drugs or whatever. I made eye contact and she called out again... "Did you see your glow in the dark rock". I looked at her quizzically, with no idea what she was asking.  She asked again "Did you see your glow in the dark rock?" As I was about to reply that I wasn't sure what she was talking about and assumed she would then lay into me with her pitch, I suddenly remembered a rock in our flower bed that had shown up earlier in the month.

It showed up the same week that we found out Triann had a mass, the same week that our worries and concerns started to grow based on past history and fear. The week we had to fight hard to remember who was in control and who wasn't. It was the moment that locked me back into the faith that I knew to be true and founded, and reminded me of the poem about the man complaining that in the worst part of his life he looked back and only saw one set of footprints. He complained to God, asking why in his darkest times did God abandon him. God calmly answers, "it was in those darkest times that I carried you". It is a poem I have known since I was a child. I assumed the rock was from one of our friends and had taken a picture to show Triann, but I forgot to share it. 

As all of this is flying through my mind as the woman gets closer. She says to me that she paints the rocks with glow in the dark paint so you can see them in the dark and she drops them in various flower beds as she walks around. She said it is from the footprints poem and it reminds people that Jesus is with them. She said all of this as she slowly walked by, pushing her cart. I responded lamely that I knew the poem and appreciated the rock, I think I mumbled something else but I wasn't able to talk. I wasn't able to articulate how perfectly timed her gift, and also her explanation was. I didn't tell her how badly I needed to see that reminder then, and be reminded of the reminder today. I immediately got lost in my thoughts, remembering our experiences and how we somehow made it through them all. By the time I realized I had drifted off, I looked up and the woman was no where to be seen. We have lived here for 4 years and I have never seen her before. 

I left the rock where it was, you can stop by and see it if you would like. I left it there so that I can wander out that way when I am lost and confused and remember who is carrying me. 

I don't know how this will end. I don't know how we will do this financially. I don't know how Triann is going to make it through another round of chemo. I don't know how the kids are going to do with attention pulled off of them and onto their mother. I don't know.

I don't know

I do know deep down, in a place that I have to visit regularly to stay sane, that I don't have to know and that I will be given all that I need to get through this. 

That has to be enough for now.

Quiet

For a brief moment the world has stopped. Everyone has left the house and I am here by myself. I grabbed a cold drink and went to my back patio to just sit and take it all in. The smell of the fresh cut grass. A warm summer breeze is moving the leaves of the tall trees and I can smell the rhododendrons across the yard. I can hear the birds call and can see the bugs working from plant to plant. The spider works on a web, finishing a perfect design. In the distance I hear a hammer and farther away a saw as folks work on local homes. But right here, in my yard, it's just me, the breeze and my thoughts.

So many things fighting for the prominent position in my mind. Worries, fears, appointments, follow ups, business, kids, doctors, love, faith and frustration. It is always hard for me to focus and it should be even harder right now.

But it's not.

I know that I could spend hours thinking and worrying about everything. Will the oncologist care about Triann. Will they operate in time. Will the tumor metastasize and spread. Will she make it. Will I be able to do this on my own. Can I keep our business going on my own. Can I care of the kids while she is sick. Can I care for the kids if the worst happens. Does God know the outcome. Can God change the outcome. Is my faith enough. Am I being a good example. Does Triann know how much I love her. Does Triann feel like I have her back. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING AGAIN.

I chose not to put question marks on any of the statements above because they are not questions. I know the answer to them all. I KNOW that God will give me the strength to get through this. I KNOW that God will give Triann the strength to get though this. I KNOW that God can use this to strengthen and encourage others. HE has been part of our life and has given us the strength to get through everything. He hasn't caused the hardships but He has used the hardships to show us how much we are capable of if we simply trust in Him.

TRUST

IN

HIM

There will be times through this journey, like all others that we have been on and all others that are yet to come, that I will need to look back on this. I will need to remind myself in that moment of doubt. I will need to remind myself in the moment of worry. I will need to remind myself in that moment of despair...

TRUST

IN

HIM

And in those moments, I will turn to Him, I will tell Him that I can't do it on my own. I will tell Him that I am scared, worried, full of despair. And before the prayer is out of my mouth, before the thought has left my mind, He will bring me back to this place. The place that I am sitting in right now.

The smell of the fresh cut grass. A warm summer breeze is moving the leaves of the tall trees and I can smell the rhododendrons across the yard. I can hear the birds call and can see the bugs working from plant to plant. The spider works on a web, finishing a perfect design. In the distance I hear a hammer and farther away a saw as folks work on local homes. But right here, in my yard, it's just me, the breeze and my thoughts.

Life preps you for life

I sat down this morning to get some of the stuff on my mind off of my mind, in the past writing has seemed to help with that so I thought I would give it a shot again. I am not a writer but seem to got some relief out of writing out the tough stuff. As I sat down and was thinking that through, I thought maybe I should go look and see where this all began.

Here is the first blog entry I made on October 19, 2008

Here is the second later that same day...

I was trying to frame our situation in some of our life experiences up that that point. Here is an excerpt from that second blog that ties into today.

All of this brings us to today and our latest chapter of life. On Tuesday September 30th, 2008 (our 13th Anniversary), my wife went to the Dr to find out about a pain in her abdomen. The Dr ordered an ultrasound and she was then sent to the ER for a CAT scan. This is where I found her, in the ER waiting for the results of the scan. The ER Dr came in and told us that she had a huge tumor and that they were going to admit her. Surgery was scheduled for the following Wed. She spent that entire week in the Hospital trying to get the pain under control and prepping for the surgery. They removed the Tumor on October 8th and we waited quite nervously for the biopsy results. They were returned the next Monday. We were told that the tumor was a Stage II Adrenal Carcinoma and all the dreary news that comes along with that.That is where we are today. My wife is home healing from the surgery and we are waiting for our appointment with MD Anderson in Houston to find out what our treatment options are.

It is interesting, as I wrote all of this out the thought that kept running through my head was that I didn't want anyone to think I was looking for sympathy. I don't know if that is what you were thinking or not, but just to be sure, as crazy as all that history sounds, I wouldn't trade any of it for one second. That chaos is what made us what we are today. I really believe that without all of that "practice" we wouldn't be ready for what we are dealing with today. We have been blessed with incredible families and friends that have kept us from completely loosing it and a God that has continued to get us through it all.

As I sat this morning and read this I smiled a little because in my mind i was about to write the same thing almost 7 years later.

After going to visit the doctor on Monday for abdominal pain, Triann was sent for ultrasound on Tuesday and was told she had a "grapefruit sized" mass in her pelvic area. This word got our attention since it was the exact way the described her adrenal tumor 7 years ago. Further tests were scheduled but we ended up going into the ER over the weekend as Triann was experiencing shortness of breath and pain constantly. In the ER the doctors ordered the imaging to be completed on site. When the results came back the doc explained that the mass appeared to be malignant and that we would need to follow up with her primary doctor to make a plan. 

A little different than last time, but an eerily similar experience. 

I keep waiting for the panic to set in, for the what ifs and what thens to overtake my brain and crush my spirit. But it isn't happening. Triann and I are calmly walking through each step. There are tighter squeezes on the hands at times, but then the grip relaxes and we just enjoy each other and that moment.

Not sure where any of this is going, the tumor, the writing our lives, but I know that I don't need to know. I have experience and history to show me that our life has prepared us for this. Our God has walked us through the trials that we have experienced and we have actual proof that we can get through them.

Eric