Sorry for the long delay, has been quite a new year so far. All in the house have taken their turn with this nasty stomach bug, not a flu but might as well be. We have all been down for at least 6 days each. Triann and the kids are just finishing their round now so we are slowly coming back to life. phew...
It is very customary to make a new year resolution. Setting your mind to do something different in the new year. This has not been a big deal for us in the past but we both took an interesting twist on it this year. Rather than resolving to do something physical (diet, exercise etc) we have both had the strong feeling that this is going to be a great year. I don't think it is something we have to do, but rather something we are supposed to expect or look for. So I guess we have resolved to change our perspective. I think that makes sense. Glass half full, lemon-aid from lemons etc.
Looking back at our past we can see all sorts of "bad" things that have happened to us, but couldn't we also say that each of those bad things brought us something good, or taught us something about ourselves and our faith? All of these things we can look back at now and see how we benefited from them. Emily with her disability, job losses and moves, the fire, our financial situation, Triann's health, my health... all of these were "bad" but all have brought us incredible gifts and lessons as well.
Our resolution for this year is to look for that gift and receive it in real time instead of having to look back to see them. I feel strongly, as does Triann, that God has incredible blessings for us this year and we are ready to receive them.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Saturday, December 27, 2008
What do you say to that?
I should be writing about our first Christmas here in Plano. How wonderful it was to have Triann's family here in town, how beautiful the tree was and how excited the kids were to see all that Santa had brought them. I guess I just did and will probably write more later, but the reason I started this was to give myself an outlet to chew things over with my fingers and put the thoughts bouncing in my head into print. As much for me as for anyone else, so here is what is eating me right now.
Emily turned 7 today. Last night as we were all settling in for the evening we asked if she was excited about her birthday. She said she was. When asked why, she said she was excited because when she turned 7 she would be able to walk. Most of you know, but for those new to this or to us Emily has spina bifida and is paralyzed from the waist down. She was born this way and has been in a wheelchair since she was 18 months old. Emily has said many times through the years that she will be able to walk once she is grown up. This has increased some in the last couple of years as she has watched her younger brother learn to walk, run, jump, skip etc. She doesn't understand why she as the big sister cannot do things that her little brother is doing.
When the statement came last night, that she would be able to walk since she was turning 7 it caught both of us off guard. I went in to pray with Emily as she was going to bed and found Triann in the bathroom crying by herself. I asked her what was wrong and she said it was Emily's comment. I held her for a few minutes and then she went to sleep and I went to my thinking chair (too much blues clues). I sat and I thought and I prayed and I thought and prayed some more. What is the right thing to think or say to a statement like that?
I know and believe that God can do anything and that if he wanted her to walk tonight while I was writing this, she could get up out of her bed and crawl up into my lap. I know that he tells us in the Bible that with faith the size of a mustard seed we can tell a mountain to move and it will (Matthew 17:20). But do I have that faith? Do I believe that? I know that it is true, but in my heart do I really have the faith to ask that? The answer is no and I think that is where I really am struggling right now. It honestly isn't an issue of if I believe that or not, it is if the fear of it not happening and building up all our hopes. I have always been afraid to pray for specific things. I know that God can do anything but don't think that we always know what it is that we really need so I always pray for God's will to be done, meaning this is what I would like but you do what needs to be done. So do what do I say to Emily?
I said this has come up many times and usually I tell her that it isn't anything to do with her age but that her body just won't let her do that. We have talked about the physical reasons, spinal cord is disconnected, no nerves firing down there. She knows that she can't feel anything below her belly button and that she has hurt herself more than once and not felt it. She snapped her femur earlier this year and didn't even have to be medicated when they set it.
So what would you do? Do you hit her with reality or do you give her hope even if you don't think there is hope?
I don't have a wise answer for you because I don't know the right answer or even what I think I should do. I guess until I come up with something else I will keep telling her the same thing and hope that my lack of faith or confidence doesn't cheat her out of something amazing.
Eric
Emily turned 7 today. Last night as we were all settling in for the evening we asked if she was excited about her birthday. She said she was. When asked why, she said she was excited because when she turned 7 she would be able to walk. Most of you know, but for those new to this or to us Emily has spina bifida and is paralyzed from the waist down. She was born this way and has been in a wheelchair since she was 18 months old. Emily has said many times through the years that she will be able to walk once she is grown up. This has increased some in the last couple of years as she has watched her younger brother learn to walk, run, jump, skip etc. She doesn't understand why she as the big sister cannot do things that her little brother is doing.
When the statement came last night, that she would be able to walk since she was turning 7 it caught both of us off guard. I went in to pray with Emily as she was going to bed and found Triann in the bathroom crying by herself. I asked her what was wrong and she said it was Emily's comment. I held her for a few minutes and then she went to sleep and I went to my thinking chair (too much blues clues). I sat and I thought and I prayed and I thought and prayed some more. What is the right thing to think or say to a statement like that?
I know and believe that God can do anything and that if he wanted her to walk tonight while I was writing this, she could get up out of her bed and crawl up into my lap. I know that he tells us in the Bible that with faith the size of a mustard seed we can tell a mountain to move and it will (Matthew 17:20). But do I have that faith? Do I believe that? I know that it is true, but in my heart do I really have the faith to ask that? The answer is no and I think that is where I really am struggling right now. It honestly isn't an issue of if I believe that or not, it is if the fear of it not happening and building up all our hopes. I have always been afraid to pray for specific things. I know that God can do anything but don't think that we always know what it is that we really need so I always pray for God's will to be done, meaning this is what I would like but you do what needs to be done. So do what do I say to Emily?
I said this has come up many times and usually I tell her that it isn't anything to do with her age but that her body just won't let her do that. We have talked about the physical reasons, spinal cord is disconnected, no nerves firing down there. She knows that she can't feel anything below her belly button and that she has hurt herself more than once and not felt it. She snapped her femur earlier this year and didn't even have to be medicated when they set it.
So what would you do? Do you hit her with reality or do you give her hope even if you don't think there is hope?
I don't have a wise answer for you because I don't know the right answer or even what I think I should do. I guess until I come up with something else I will keep telling her the same thing and hope that my lack of faith or confidence doesn't cheat her out of something amazing.
Eric
Saturday, December 6, 2008
How are you guys doing?
This is a question I get daily from friends and family... "how are you guys doing". I give them the pat answer "pretty good". I don't think it is because I don't want to share what is going on, I just don't think I know how to explain it or have had the time to try and sort it out. I am going to try to sort it out now.
The biggest thing Triann is dealing with right now is recovering from her surgery. I have to keep reminding her and me that she had a 13cm tumor (we have named it meat wad) removed from her October 8th, just 8 weeks ago. She is still dealing with a lot of pain and a lack of energy. She is able to get around fine, but she is unable to pick up the kids and hurt herself yesterday picking up a spindle of 100 CD's. She can do some things around the house but doesn't have enough energy to do what she wants to do.
Triann is taking her meds and is up to 4 of her chemo pills right now. The original goal was to add one pill a week until she reaches 12 per day. She is also taking her hormone pills also. She will have to do blood work this week and send it down to Houston to see what her levels are and the doctor will clear her to move up to the next step. She has been a bit nauseous but has been able to keep that in check.
I think she is just tired of healing and tired of not being able to do what she wants to do. I think she is also emotionally wore out also. This has been a bit of a roller coaster ride and she is exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically.
I have been having a hard time lately knowing what to do. I am in a very busy season at work right now, and have been coming home drained and without a lot of support for her. A lot different then when she was in the hospital and I was able to spend hours just sitting and talking. I said it before and will say it again, that might have been some of the best time we have spent together in our entire marriage. So I guess the biggest thing I can do right now is make time to just sit together.
If you haven't guessed by now, I am figuring a lot of this out while I am writing, so probably not the best flowing post I have made, but maybe the most honest.
We went on a "date" last night. Left the kids at home and had dinner and watched a movie. I think we both enjoyed ourselves but it was awkward. There are so many things that both of us need from each other, and even though that was the first time we had been alone since the hospital, I don't think either of us wanted to talk about them because we didn't want to ruin that time. We tried a bit of serious conversation and it didn't go well. So we just enjoyed each others company the rest of the night.
My biggest fear right now is that we get so busy with all of the holiday stuff on top of our already busy lives and we just push this away. But the other side of that is I don't know how to even begin to talk about where we are without adding more stress to our relationship.
I know the right answer, we need to talk about it, but both of us do very well with stuffing things down and acting like everything is ok. I just think it is a shame to do that in light of the gift we have been given. I feel that we have both been reminded that life is short and we need to appreciate every day we have together. If that means a few rough ones while we sort some of this stuff out, then get on with the rest of life, I think it is what we should do.
Easier said (or typed) then done.
That's how we are doing
The biggest thing Triann is dealing with right now is recovering from her surgery. I have to keep reminding her and me that she had a 13cm tumor (we have named it meat wad) removed from her October 8th, just 8 weeks ago. She is still dealing with a lot of pain and a lack of energy. She is able to get around fine, but she is unable to pick up the kids and hurt herself yesterday picking up a spindle of 100 CD's. She can do some things around the house but doesn't have enough energy to do what she wants to do.
Triann is taking her meds and is up to 4 of her chemo pills right now. The original goal was to add one pill a week until she reaches 12 per day. She is also taking her hormone pills also. She will have to do blood work this week and send it down to Houston to see what her levels are and the doctor will clear her to move up to the next step. She has been a bit nauseous but has been able to keep that in check.
I think she is just tired of healing and tired of not being able to do what she wants to do. I think she is also emotionally wore out also. This has been a bit of a roller coaster ride and she is exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically.
I have been having a hard time lately knowing what to do. I am in a very busy season at work right now, and have been coming home drained and without a lot of support for her. A lot different then when she was in the hospital and I was able to spend hours just sitting and talking. I said it before and will say it again, that might have been some of the best time we have spent together in our entire marriage. So I guess the biggest thing I can do right now is make time to just sit together.
If you haven't guessed by now, I am figuring a lot of this out while I am writing, so probably not the best flowing post I have made, but maybe the most honest.
We went on a "date" last night. Left the kids at home and had dinner and watched a movie. I think we both enjoyed ourselves but it was awkward. There are so many things that both of us need from each other, and even though that was the first time we had been alone since the hospital, I don't think either of us wanted to talk about them because we didn't want to ruin that time. We tried a bit of serious conversation and it didn't go well. So we just enjoyed each others company the rest of the night.
My biggest fear right now is that we get so busy with all of the holiday stuff on top of our already busy lives and we just push this away. But the other side of that is I don't know how to even begin to talk about where we are without adding more stress to our relationship.
I know the right answer, we need to talk about it, but both of us do very well with stuffing things down and acting like everything is ok. I just think it is a shame to do that in light of the gift we have been given. I feel that we have both been reminded that life is short and we need to appreciate every day we have together. If that means a few rough ones while we sort some of this stuff out, then get on with the rest of life, I think it is what we should do.
Easier said (or typed) then done.
That's how we are doing
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Shooting for God
I love video games. I have spent most of my life playing games of some sort. It started in grade school playing oregon trial on the apple IIe at school and hunt the wumpas on the TI 99 4a at home. My neighbor had an odyssey and an atari 2600 that we played on and family friends had a commodore 64, a coleco vision and an intelevision. I had games on every computer I have ever had, from might and magic on my 286 to wolfenstein and vga planets on my 486 in college all the way up to half life and unreal on the pentium 4. Of course I played my share of arcade games also mainly wasting quarters on dig dug, icari warriors, 1942 and 720.
As far as consoles go, different friends had nintendo's (nes) and I played my share of the mario games but didn't get my own until after I was married. I owned an NES, super nintendo, sega dreamcast, N64, xbox, xbox 360 and now a wii.
What does this have to do with anything? Well a group of us have been getting together for years to play halo, first locally on the xbox (4 tv's and 4 xbox's in one house, thanks diogi) and more recently playing on xbox live over the internet. Last spring, my good buddy the proud papa (formerly known as honz and gandalf) and I decided to meet weekly to play halo and to use the time between games, while waiting in the lobby to share prayer requests and pray. This was done using the xbox headset so we are able to talk like we were on the phone. We started inviting other friends and ended up with a regular group of 5 guys on monday nights (emsdaddy, the proud papa, ryderlane, furious george, and trinipular). We would meet at 10, share prayer requests, read through a devotional and then pray. We would then head up to live and play Halo3 either by ourselves or online with others. The beauty of this is that we live no where near each other, but can fellowship together online. I was able to take my box with me on business trips and participated from my hotel room.
The highlight of all of this was when people we didn't know would jump into our lobby and hear us talking about God. This was a little hairy at first, expecting people to give us flak, but we found that people would either just leave or they would stay and ask questions about God the Bible and our faith. It was amazing. God used this silly game to plant seeds with folks from all around the world.
All of this fell aside when Triann got sick, but I am excited to say we finally started again this week.
There is a huge debate hiding in this post. Should a Christian be playing violent games online? I can't answer that for anyone, and don't know if I have a complete answer for myself. What I do know is that God found a way to use a group of us to reach some folks right where they are. We don't preach and we don't pretend to be perfect or know everything, but we explain what we believe and explain why WE believe it. Pretty cool in my book
If you are ever on xbox live, look me up and send me a message.
Eric "EmsDaddy" Benson
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Thanksgiving
One of the traditions in the Benson house was for dad to make the stuffing and put the turkey in late wed night then head back to bed. Waking up to the smell of roasting turkey was always a highlight. As time went on I was. able to help dad cook and always looked forward to it.
I have been away from home for six thanksgivings. One when I was on team, three in Kansas, one in San Diego and now one in Dallas. This is the first year I have actually cooked a turkey. As with most things, I decided to do it a little different. I only bought a 5lb breast since it was just us and I decided to smoke it on the Treager grill rather than roasting it. So instead of stuffing the bird the night before, I put the breast into a brine. I put the turkey on at 7:00 Thursday morning and let it smoke for 6 hours. Since it was just us we decided what our favorite sides were and ended up with stuffing, potatos, green bean casserole, corn, roles and sweet potato's. We ate around 2 and sure enjoyed our food. I don't know if it was the best that we had ever had, but it was the first that we had done on our own and in light of all that has gone on recently it was sure nice to sit as a family and think about all that I am thankful for.
Trianns health... I love my wife and have loved her since the day I met her 16 years ago but it is amazing how that feeling is refined and clarified when you realize how quickly things could change. I was forced to think about life without Triann. It was terrifying to say the least. I am learning to enjoy each day and for that I am thankful
My health... I just started taking the remicaid infusions and for the first time in I don't remember how long I don't hurt. Its as if the clock rolled back 10 years.
Our finances... I have been dreading our financial future. Folks have been incredibly generous and have helped us through this time, but I could not see an end to it and couldn't imagine having to spend the rest of my life with my hand out. We are not out of the woods yet, but we were directed to a program by the Scottish Rite Hospital that will pay for all of Emily's medical expenses not covered by insurance. This will include supplies, prescriptions, co-pays etc. We will find out more about this in the coming weeks. In addition we found out that while the injections I can give myself are 700 every two weeks, if I go into the office and get a 3 hour infusion every 6 weeks it will be covered under a 30 dollar office co-pay. Triann still has expenses and life happens, but with those two major expenses possibly under control I can see light at the end of the tunnel.
My faith... I have learned through this last year (fire, job loss, relocation, Triann"s health) that God is watching out for us. Folks will ask how I can say that when terrible things happen to us. I will answer that God does not cause the awful things to happen, but he gives us the strength and ability (through ourselves and others) to get through these things.
I have a million other things as well, but this has turned into a novel already. Suffice it to say that I love my life and look forward to another year of adventures and opportunity's.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Monday, November 17, 2008
The way of boys
This weekend I had the incredible privilege of watching my son play. My parents are in town visiting and we went to Tyler to TX to visit Tom and Diann Brown. Dad was in the Navy with Tom and he and mom have been great friends with Tom and Diann ever since. I don't remember this, but when I was young (4 I think) Mom and Dad brought me down to Tyler to visit with the Browns and dad bought me my first pair of cowboy boots (I say first, because I had many, until I met Triann) Anyhow we were able to repeat the tradition when Dad took Daniel shopping in Tyler this weekend and bought him his first pair of boots. That was cool. I have no idea what my boots looked like but Daniels are brown leather bottoms with camouflage uppers and a John Deere logo. He spent all Saturday stomping around in them until we finally took them off to put him to bed. Emily also got a pair of boots on Saturday, hers were pink with a zipper all the way down the side and stars that light up when she pushes down on them, absolutely perfect for her.
On Sunday, Triann got Daniel dressed in a pair of jeans, a blue flannel shirt and of course his new boots. Tom and Diann's daughter and son in law (Brook and Chris) live in Tyler also and came over that morning with their two kids Daniel 6 and Abby 7. Emily and Abby immediately set off to dress undress and redress the dolls, while big Daniel and Little Daniel headed outside to play.
Now I want to break down the difference between 2 different types of play, city play and country play. City play is either at a playground or in a back yard, playing on swings or kicking balls in the grass while parents worry about cars and weirdo's. Country play involves exploring trees and sheds and jumping in leaf piles, playing with barn cats and walking with sticks. I think that the country play is more natural and that is what I was able to watch this weekend.
I set the rules, don't go down the hill, don't go out on the road and don't poke the dog. With these rules in place and a good cup of coffee in my hand I set him free to explore. Big Daniel and Little Daniel spent hours out there, throwing leaves in the air, pretending they were driving the tractor, petting picking up and then carrying the cat (see Triann's blog for pictures of this patient creature) and discovering how fun it was to carry a stick and the cool noise it makes when you whip it through the air. I didn't go outside to interfere, not because I didn't want to play with my son, but because I saw the value of this time to play and explore with a new friend.
At the end of the day, as the sun started to set big Daniel and little Daniel reluctantly came into the house to warm up. All the leaves had been moved, all the adventures had been had and there wasn't room in their clothes or hair for any more dirt. I welcomed my Daniel into the house with a hug and told him how much fun it was to watch him and how proud I was of him. He smiled and ran off into the living room to play with big Daniel and when I went there in a few minutes to check on him he was asleep on the foot stool.
As I reflect on this I realize as much fun as I had this weekend listening to Dad's stories, visiting with everyone and eating some incredible food, the highlight of my weekend was watching my son play the way I remember playing... with a few rules and a lot of freedom.
I can't help but compare that to my spiritual life. Is it that different? God gives us a few rules and then stands back and watches us as we play, allowing us to explore and make choices on our own. Waiting patiently until the sun goes down and he can welcome us into the house with a hug and tell us how much fun it was to watch us and how proud he is of us.
I thank God daily for my children and how much they have helped me understand more about our Fathers love for us.
Eric
On Sunday, Triann got Daniel dressed in a pair of jeans, a blue flannel shirt and of course his new boots. Tom and Diann's daughter and son in law (Brook and Chris) live in Tyler also and came over that morning with their two kids Daniel 6 and Abby 7. Emily and Abby immediately set off to dress undress and redress the dolls, while big Daniel and Little Daniel headed outside to play.
Now I want to break down the difference between 2 different types of play, city play and country play. City play is either at a playground or in a back yard, playing on swings or kicking balls in the grass while parents worry about cars and weirdo's. Country play involves exploring trees and sheds and jumping in leaf piles, playing with barn cats and walking with sticks. I think that the country play is more natural and that is what I was able to watch this weekend.
I set the rules, don't go down the hill, don't go out on the road and don't poke the dog. With these rules in place and a good cup of coffee in my hand I set him free to explore. Big Daniel and Little Daniel spent hours out there, throwing leaves in the air, pretending they were driving the tractor, petting picking up and then carrying the cat (see Triann's blog for pictures of this patient creature) and discovering how fun it was to carry a stick and the cool noise it makes when you whip it through the air. I didn't go outside to interfere, not because I didn't want to play with my son, but because I saw the value of this time to play and explore with a new friend.
At the end of the day, as the sun started to set big Daniel and little Daniel reluctantly came into the house to warm up. All the leaves had been moved, all the adventures had been had and there wasn't room in their clothes or hair for any more dirt. I welcomed my Daniel into the house with a hug and told him how much fun it was to watch him and how proud I was of him. He smiled and ran off into the living room to play with big Daniel and when I went there in a few minutes to check on him he was asleep on the foot stool.
As I reflect on this I realize as much fun as I had this weekend listening to Dad's stories, visiting with everyone and eating some incredible food, the highlight of my weekend was watching my son play the way I remember playing... with a few rules and a lot of freedom.
I can't help but compare that to my spiritual life. Is it that different? God gives us a few rules and then stands back and watches us as we play, allowing us to explore and make choices on our own. Waiting patiently until the sun goes down and he can welcome us into the house with a hug and tell us how much fun it was to watch us and how proud he is of us.
I thank God daily for my children and how much they have helped me understand more about our Fathers love for us.
Eric
Friday, November 14, 2008
Waiting again.
Back in the same waiting room I wrote about last month, now without the Halloween decorations. I was thinking about how much fun Triann and I are having re connecting with folks on face book. As usual, my head starts digging for a reason for the need to re connect. I mean if I never dis connected I would not need to re connect.
Am I alone? Is this a guy thing or do I secretly enjoy the thrill of finding people 10 years later rather than sharing in their life during that time. And we aren't talking about casual friends, I am hooking up again with folks from LBI that I used to spend most of my waking hours with. These are the guys and gals that helped shape who I am today, music preferences, movies, tv shows, authors, moral values, humor etc. We would stay up and laugh about nothing. Cram into a room and play silly video games into the morning. "Study" for a big exam as a group. Worship, pray and grow together. But I haven't talked to any of them for 14 years.
Its not just this group of good friends, I don't think I have talked to anyone from high school since around graduation, haven't talked to anyone from kansas since we moved. There are only a handful of all the incredible friends I had in San Diego that I have talked to since we left.
The only folks I have kept up with are some of the people from our young married group in vancouver.
I can't think of any wise or funny parallel to life or faith. I really am puzzled and frustrated by this. I have not just met, but have been good friends with some of the most incredible people that God has placed on this earth and have just discarded them.
I have thought about it through the years, wondering where they ended up and making lame attempts to reach out, but never re connecting or bringing them back into my life. I think I have lost something because of that, years of friendship that cannot be replaced.
So I apologize, to my friends past present and future and also to myself for all the years lost. Don't know that I can say it won't happen again, because I don't know why it happens in the first place. But the fun I have had in the last few days have made me really think about how to fix this going forward.
Eric.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
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