Crossroads

Triann and I met at Lutheran Bible Institute in Issaqwah, WA in September of 1995. I can still remember the moment I met her. A group of us guys were sitting in the couches at the top of the common stairs. We had the typical gang courage and were stopping all the girls as they came up the stairs, asking them their names, ages and where they were. I said gang courage because I don't think any of us would have had the guts to do that on our own, but in a group we were all willing to throw it out there. So up the stairs comes this absolutely gorgeous brunette, with curly brown hair, makeup, nails and dressed like a star. We asked her name and she told us Triann, we asked where she was from and she said Bellevue, we asked her age and she said guess... We all guessed high, I guessed 26 and she wouldn't tell us if we were even close (turned out she was 18 but didn't want to tell us that. She smiled with that smile that still melts my heart and headed down the hall, headed wherever she was headed before we stopped her, but she might have had an even bigger smile on her face. We didn't really hang out just the two of us, but the groups that we ended up running with would always end up together. After a month or so of this, I finally got up the courage to ask her to go for a walk with me. We walked around the campus. It was great. The next months were awesome. I remember the first time we held hands, went to dinner, kissed, and layed in the grass staring at the stars and talking about dream homes. Some of the best memories were the walks, eating Chinese at QVC, and coloring together in the running cup.

This went on for the rest of the 92/93 school year. That summer Triann stayed with her uncle in Salem and worked at The Bon so we were still able to hang out. In the fall we both headed back up to Issaquah. The fun dating and flirting went on for that next semester and then I was kicked out of bible college. What??? Yup, kicked out on academic probation. Read back through what I have written and you will see part of what I focused on during that time. Now before anyone reads into this that I am blaming Triann for me getting the boot, it was all me. The time that I wasn't in class, or running around with Triann, I was screwing around on my own. Up all night playing games, visiting and making life long friends. All fun and all good for me but the bottom line was I got the boot because I didn't study.

I had been working on a bachelors degree in Youth and Family Ministry. I had spent my whole growing up involved with the church and my older teen years working with the youth group at my church. I loved the Lord and knew that was what I wanted to do with my life. Getting kicked out of bible college was devastating. In the Lutheran church (where I grew up) to be a pastor you needed a 4 year bachelors and then another 4 years in seminary. 8 years, and I blew it after a year and a half. I went back home to Vancouver, WA and started working for a temp agency taking odd jobs (A whole other post about that) and then heard about Lutheran Youth Encounter. This was a ministry out of Minneapolis, MN that sent teams out for a year, playing music and working with kids in 6 different regions of the US. I sent in an audition tape of my singing and bass playing and made the cut. This started our year of being apart. I proposed to Triann and then jumped on a plane and headed out for a year.

What a year it was, we traveled to a new town in the South Central region (NE, IA, KS, MO, AR, OK, TX and LA) EVERY day, set up, played our gig at the church and then went to stay at a host families house... EVERY night. It was a blast. I met some incredible people and had some incredible experiences that year. Even though Triann and I missed each other terribly, I count that as one of the greatest times of my life. Abilene was a small town in the middle of Kansas. Our team had two stops there that year and I had some incredible times there and made some great relationships... When the year was over, I received a call from Trinity Lutheran Church in Abilene asking if I would be interested in working for them as a Youth Director. What??? I got kicked out of school, but they still wanted me to work there, doing what I had wanted to do. Of course I said yes.

I got home in August, and Triann and I were married on September 30th 1995. Two days later we jumped into the car and took a nice long drive out to Kansas for our honeymoon, by way of Lake Tahoe, Vegas, Sante Fe, and Colorado Springs (again a whole separate post, probably more entertaining from Trianns perspective). We showed up, moved into our first place and went to work. In early 1997 the church was going through some difficulties regarding the split in the ELCA (Evangelical Lutheran Church of America) and the end result was I left. Why?

Tough to answer, there were many reasons to leave and probably just as many to stay. Ultimately I ended up taking a position as a police officer for Abilene and thus ended my career in the church.

Why am I writing all of this? Honestly it is more for me than it is for you. I have been struggling since I left the church, knowing deep down in my heart of hearts that I was supposed to be working for God, but coming up with a million and one reasons why it wouldn't work. I heard my 3rd sermon in as many months this weekend regarding getting involved with the church. Moving to the 3rd step in many ministry models, Meet God, Meet People and Meet Needs. The concept is that a non believer first has to find God and start his relationship with him, then he meets other believers and refines his faith, then he takes his role in the body of Christ and starts to meet the needs of others.

So after years of pushing back, I am now ready to jump in. The best part is I have no idea what that means. I know what I am good at. I am a great facilitator/teacher taking complex topics and delivering them to a wide range of people in such a way that they are understood and owned by the recipients. I love talking to large groups and currently have a job where I am presenting to groups ranging from 6 to 90 people. But I still don't know what I am supposed to do. Do I go back to school, take night classes and try to finish my biblical studies degree to see where that takes me? Will I end up standing in front of a congregation sharing with others how a personal relationship with Christ can change their lives. Or will I be a lay worker (fancy church word for a volunteer), helping around the church leading studies or working with the men's group? How will God use me, what does He want me to do?

Truth is I have no idea and I am ok with that. I am really surprising myself with this. In the past I would already be obsessing with this, trying to plan out what is next and what I need to do. But with the events of the last few months and having finally got it through my thick head that God is in control and will clearly show me where to go, I am not worried about it. I am having fun imagining all the options and feeling the peace of finally turning this over to Him.

I have requested an appointment with my Sr Pastor to talk about education and opportunities to help in the church and will see what I learn from that. I have to say I am very excited about the prospect of finishing my degree, and with all the online options out there today I think I could probably pull it off. Finances... well that is another story entirely. If I can't afford to get us down to Houston for Triann's testing, how in the world could I even dream about paying for school again. Once again, No Idea. But it doesn't hurt to dream, and if it is what God wants me to do, then it will work out.

So here we are 13 years later and I am faced with the exciting prospect of closing this circle, maybe finishing my education, maybe getting involved with the church and maybe crossing the road into the next chapter of my life. Whatever happens, I have now taken my control away and turned it over to God. I am not scared, actually I am excited because I am doing this with the support of the two most important people in my life. My God, and my Wife.

E

Here we go again...

Well, not doing so good keeping up with this. Life has been pretty hectic but good. Triann is up to 8 pills a day now and is very tired but is doing well. I don't know if anyone is actually surprised by that. She is an amazing woman. Just a summary for those new to this. Triann had her adrenal tumor removed in October and we had a visit to MD Anderson cancer center in Houston in November. At that time they took a full body scan. That scan by itself doesn't tell the doctors anything until they have another one to compare it to. So on the 24th of this month (February) we head back down again to have the next scan. With this one they can compare the two and find out if there is cancer anywhere else in her body or if it is gone.

So here we are. It has been a bit of a roller coaster since the initial hospital visit on our anniversary and I think we are coasting right now. Neither of us know whether to say "Triann has cancer" or "Triann had cancer". Other than the fact that the pills are kicking her butt, (making her tired and nauseous), you wouldn't know by looking at her that anything is wrong. And maybe nothing is... it is a weird place to be. Honestly I have not spent much time worrying about the next visit to Houston, even though if the scan comes back showing anything we will be right back in the thick of it. I guess that God is giving both of us peace about this whole thing, and for that I am thankful.

The trip is already starting to come together. My mom is flying down to go with us to Houston and help with the kids, and a co-worker has given us hotel points to use for a room while we are there. We are desperately trying to put funds away to cover gas and food, but I know that the finances will work out also. It is pretty amazing how God works in our lives, even with the things that must be trivial to him.

So here we go again, heading South, trusting God and waiting to see what is next.

E

A new year

Sorry for the long delay, has been quite a new year so far. All in the house have taken their turn with this nasty stomach bug, not a flu but might as well be. We have all been down for at least 6 days each. Triann and the kids are just finishing their round now so we are slowly coming back to life. phew...

It is very customary to make a new year resolution. Setting your mind to do something different in the new year. This has not been a big deal for us in the past but we both took an interesting twist on it this year. Rather than resolving to do something physical (diet, exercise etc) we have both had the strong feeling that this is going to be a great year. I don't think it is something we have to do, but rather something we are supposed to expect or look for. So I guess we have resolved to change our perspective. I think that makes sense. Glass half full, lemon-aid from lemons etc.

Looking back at our past we can see all sorts of "bad" things that have happened to us, but couldn't we also say that each of those bad things brought us something good, or taught us something about ourselves and our faith? All of these things we can look back at now and see how we benefited from them. Emily with her disability, job losses and moves, the fire, our financial situation, Triann's health, my health... all of these were "bad" but all have brought us incredible gifts and lessons as well.

Our resolution for this year is to look for that gift and receive it in real time instead of having to look back to see them. I feel strongly, as does Triann, that God has incredible blessings for us this year and we are ready to receive them.

What do you say to that?

I should be writing about our first Christmas here in Plano. How wonderful it was to have Triann's family here in town, how beautiful the tree was and how excited the kids were to see all that Santa had brought them. I guess I just did and will probably write more later, but the reason I started this was to give myself an outlet to chew things over with my fingers and put the thoughts bouncing in my head into print. As much for me as for anyone else, so here is what is eating me right now.

Emily turned 7 today. Last night as we were all settling in for the evening we asked if she was excited about her birthday. She said she was. When asked why, she said she was excited because when she turned 7 she would be able to walk. Most of you know, but for those new to this or to us Emily has spina bifida and is paralyzed from the waist down. She was born this way and has been in a wheelchair since she was 18 months old. Emily has said many times through the years that she will be able to walk once she is grown up. This has increased some in the last couple of years as she has watched her younger brother learn to walk, run, jump, skip etc. She doesn't understand why she as the big sister cannot do things that her little brother is doing.

When the statement came last night, that she would be able to walk since she was turning 7 it caught both of us off guard. I went in to pray with Emily as she was going to bed and found Triann in the bathroom crying by herself. I asked her what was wrong and she said it was Emily's comment. I held her for a few minutes and then she went to sleep and I went to my thinking chair (too much blues clues). I sat and I thought and I prayed and I thought and prayed some more. What is the right thing to think or say to a statement like that?

I know and believe that God can do anything and that if he wanted her to walk tonight while I was writing this, she could get up out of her bed and crawl up into my lap. I know that he tells us in the Bible that with faith the size of a mustard seed we can tell a mountain to move and it will (Matthew 17:20). But do I have that faith? Do I believe that? I know that it is true, but in my heart do I really have the faith to ask that? The answer is no and I think that is where I really am struggling right now. It honestly isn't an issue of if I believe that or not, it is if the fear of it not happening and building up all our hopes. I have always been afraid to pray for specific things. I know that God can do anything but don't think that we always know what it is that we really need so I always pray for God's will to be done, meaning this is what I would like but you do what needs to be done. So do what do I say to Emily?

I said this has come up many times and usually I tell her that it isn't anything to do with her age but that her body just won't let her do that. We have talked about the physical reasons, spinal cord is disconnected, no nerves firing down there. She knows that she can't feel anything below her belly button and that she has hurt herself more than once and not felt it. She snapped her femur earlier this year and didn't even have to be medicated when they set it.

So what would you do? Do you hit her with reality or do you give her hope even if you don't think there is hope?

I don't have a wise answer for you because I don't know the right answer or even what I think I should do. I guess until I come up with something else I will keep telling her the same thing and hope that my lack of faith or confidence doesn't cheat her out of something amazing.

Eric

How are you guys doing?

This is a question I get daily from friends and family... "how are you guys doing". I give them the pat answer "pretty good". I don't think it is because I don't want to share what is going on, I just don't think I know how to explain it or have had the time to try and sort it out. I am going to try to sort it out now.

The biggest thing Triann is dealing with right now is recovering from her surgery. I have to keep reminding her and me that she had a 13cm tumor (we have named it meat wad) removed from her October 8th, just 8 weeks ago. She is still dealing with a lot of pain and a lack of energy. She is able to get around fine, but she is unable to pick up the kids and hurt herself yesterday picking up a spindle of 100 CD's. She can do some things around the house but doesn't have enough energy to do what she wants to do.

Triann is taking her meds and is up to 4 of her chemo pills right now. The original goal was to add one pill a week until she reaches 12 per day. She is also taking her hormone pills also. She will have to do blood work this week and send it down to Houston to see what her levels are and the doctor will clear her to move up to the next step. She has been a bit nauseous but has been able to keep that in check.

I think she is just tired of healing and tired of not being able to do what she wants to do. I think she is also emotionally wore out also. This has been a bit of a roller coaster ride and she is exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically.

I have been having a hard time lately knowing what to do. I am in a very busy season at work right now, and have been coming home drained and without a lot of support for her. A lot different then when she was in the hospital and I was able to spend hours just sitting and talking. I said it before and will say it again, that might have been some of the best time we have spent together in our entire marriage. So I guess the biggest thing I can do right now is make time to just sit together.

If you haven't guessed by now, I am figuring a lot of this out while I am writing, so probably not the best flowing post I have made, but maybe the most honest.

We went on a "date" last night. Left the kids at home and had dinner and watched a movie. I think we both enjoyed ourselves but it was awkward. There are so many things that both of us need from each other, and even though that was the first time we had been alone since the hospital, I don't think either of us wanted to talk about them because we didn't want to ruin that time. We tried a bit of serious conversation and it didn't go well. So we just enjoyed each others company the rest of the night.

My biggest fear right now is that we get so busy with all of the holiday stuff on top of our already busy lives and we just push this away. But the other side of that is I don't know how to even begin to talk about where we are without adding more stress to our relationship.

I know the right answer, we need to talk about it, but both of us do very well with stuffing things down and acting like everything is ok. I just think it is a shame to do that in light of the gift we have been given. I feel that we have both been reminded that life is short and we need to appreciate every day we have together. If that means a few rough ones while we sort some of this stuff out, then get on with the rest of life, I think it is what we should do.

Easier said (or typed) then done.

That's how we are doing

Shooting for God

I love video games. I have spent most of my life playing games of some sort. It started in grade school playing oregon trial on the apple IIe at school and hunt the wumpas on the TI 99 4a at home. My neighbor had an odyssey and an atari 2600 that we played on and family friends had a commodore 64, a coleco vision and an intelevision. I had games on every computer I have ever had, from might and magic on my 286 to wolfenstein and vga planets on my 486 in college all the way up to half life and unreal on the pentium 4. Of course I played my share of arcade games also mainly wasting quarters on dig dug, icari warriors, 1942 and 720.

As far as consoles go, different friends had nintendo's (nes) and I played my share of the mario games but didn't get my own until after I was married. I owned an NES, super nintendo, sega dreamcast, N64, xbox, xbox 360 and now a wii.

What does this have to do with anything? Well a group of us have been getting together for years to play halo, first locally on the xbox (4 tv's and 4 xbox's in one house, thanks diogi) and more recently playing on xbox live over the internet. Last spring, my good buddy the proud papa (formerly known as honz and gandalf) and I decided to meet weekly to play halo and to use the time between games, while waiting in the lobby to share prayer requests and pray. This was done using the xbox headset so we are able to talk like we were on the phone. We started inviting other friends and ended up with a regular group of 5 guys on monday nights (emsdaddy, the proud papa, ryderlane, furious george, and trinipular). We would meet at 10, share prayer requests, read through a devotional and then pray. We would then head up to live and play Halo3 either by ourselves or online with others. The beauty of this is that we live no where near each other, but can fellowship together online. I was able to take my box with me on business trips and participated from my hotel room.

The highlight of all of this was when people we didn't know would jump into our lobby and hear us talking about God. This was a little hairy at first, expecting people to give us flak, but we found that people would either just leave or they would stay and ask questions about God the Bible and our faith. It was amazing. God used this silly game to plant seeds with folks from all around the world.

All of this fell aside when Triann got sick, but I am excited to say we finally started again this week.

There is a huge debate hiding in this post. Should a Christian be playing violent games online? I can't answer that for anyone, and don't know if I have a complete answer for myself. What I do know is that God found a way to use a group of us to reach some folks right where they are. We don't preach and we don't pretend to be perfect or know everything, but we explain what we believe and explain why WE believe it. Pretty cool in my book

If you are ever on xbox live, look me up and send me a message.

Eric "EmsDaddy" Benson

Thanksgiving

One of the traditions in the Benson house was for dad to make the stuffing and put the turkey in late wed night then head back to bed. Waking up to the smell of roasting turkey was always a highlight. As time went on I was. able to help dad cook and always looked forward to it.

I have been away from home for six thanksgivings. One when I was on team, three in Kansas, one in San Diego and now one in Dallas. This is the first year I have actually cooked a turkey. As with most things, I decided to do it a little different. I only bought a 5lb breast since it was just us and I decided to smoke it on the Treager grill rather than roasting it. So instead of stuffing the bird the night before, I put the breast into a brine. I put the turkey on at 7:00 Thursday morning and let it smoke for 6 hours. Since it was just us we decided what our favorite sides were and ended up with stuffing, potatos, green bean casserole, corn, roles and sweet potato's. We ate around 2 and sure enjoyed our food. I don't know if it was the best that we had ever had, but it was the first that we had done on our own and in light of all that has gone on recently it was sure nice to sit as a family and think about all that I am thankful for.

Trianns health... I love my wife and have loved her since the day I met her 16 years ago but it is amazing how that feeling is refined and clarified when you realize how quickly things could change. I was forced to think about life without Triann. It was terrifying to say the least. I am learning to enjoy each day and for that I am thankful

My health... I just started taking the remicaid infusions and for the first time in I don't remember how long I don't hurt. Its as if the clock rolled back 10 years.

Our finances... I have been dreading our financial future. Folks have been incredibly generous and have helped us through this time, but I could not see an end to it and couldn't imagine having to spend the rest of my life with my hand out. We are not out of the woods yet, but we were directed to a program by the Scottish Rite Hospital that will pay for all of Emily's medical expenses not covered by insurance. This will include supplies, prescriptions, co-pays etc. We will find out more about this in the coming weeks. In addition we found out that while the injections I can give myself are 700 every two weeks, if I go into the office and get a 3 hour infusion every 6 weeks it will be covered under a 30 dollar office co-pay. Triann still has expenses and life happens, but with those two major expenses possibly under control I can see light at the end of the tunnel.

My faith... I have learned through this last year (fire, job loss, relocation, Triann"s health) that God is watching out for us. Folks will ask how I can say that when terrible things happen to us. I will answer that God does not cause the awful things to happen, but he gives us the strength and ability (through ourselves and others) to get through these things.

I have a million other things as well, but this has turned into a novel already. Suffice it to say that I love my life and look forward to another year of adventures and opportunity's.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry