Triann left yesterday for a girls weekend in Virginia Beach with her good friend Andrea Silbernagel. Andrea called Triann a few months ago and said she had a ticket and wanted to know if she should come out here or if Triann would like to go out there. Triann posed the question to me and I told her to get the heck out of town. Can you believe that this is the first time she has ever done anything like this? We were talking before she left and I am convinced this is the first time since the kids that she has gone anywhere by herself. Certainly it is the first time she has taken off somewhere just for fun.
For those of you who know my wife well, you know that she didn't want to do this. She takes her role as Mom seriously and felt that she should not leave us alone, at least not to do something fun. Does anyone else know someone like this? I know it's not what she intends but it makes me feel like a crumb. I don't know how long I would debate if the same opportunity came my way. I don't think it comes down to a comparison of how much either of us loves our family, but rather a level of responsibility.
I don't think that I am a "complete" slacker, but I know I am pretty close. Triann goes all the way to the other end of the spectrum, where she doesn't feel right doing things for herself. I can say that both of us have gotten better over the years, and this is part of what attracted us to each other in the first place. She was pulled in by my happy go lucky attitude, and I was drawn to her organized planed out style. Funny how the things that draw you are the things that drive you nuts down the road.
I think all of this is more bothersome to me now in light of these last few months. I wish I could get her to relax more and just enjoy life. Not feel guilty about a cup of coffee every few months, or trusting that God has things under control (I think he has proved that to us perfectly clearly). On the other hand, it would probably be easier for her to relax if she knew that I was there to pick up the slack. The bills have to be paid, the kids have to be fed and clothed and the house has to be cleaned. If I did a better job of all of that she might feel that she could relax.
I heard in a sermon once that a common misconception is that marriage is a 50/50 thing. He said that was bunk, that means you are only putting a half effort into it. He said a marriage should be 100/100. I know we are both working on getting there.
I know she is worried that something will happen while she is gone. Mainly she worries that I will lose Daniel. All because of that one Lowes incident (do you have any idea how many hiding places there are in the kitchen sample area of a home improvement warehouse).
She probably won't read this before she gets back, but just so you know I'm on it. It is a lot of work keeping house and caring for the kids, and it wears me out, but I love being able to do it so she can go and get some much needed rest and relaxation.
Love you babe!
E
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Sometimes Life Sucks
We have all been here, we are catching up with a friend and asking how things are. Expecting to hear the typical "great" we instead catch them at a moment of need and they share with us some horrible tragedy in their life. It could be anything... the passing of a parent, spouse or child, a severe illness or more prevalent recently the loss of a job and or a home. What do we say? How can we help them?
Often we try to think of something helpful. Some way to give them a piece of advice or some profound saying or encouraging word. Some people have been through something similar and will say they know just what you are going through, or respond autobiographically (my mom just died... I'm sorry, my mom died last Christmas and it took forever to get over it, in fact I don't know if you ever get over it, etc, etc, etc). Many Christians will dig into their bag of verses or will attempt to explain why God allows this stuff to happen. This is when the classics come out... "God is preparing you for something even greater", "It is all part of God's plan", "This too will pass", etc.
Bottom line is that you feel horrible and maybe a little uncomfortable and are trying to come up with something that will help. Let me suggest this, two simple words...
"That Sucks"
Think about it. Think about a time when you have been in that situation. Scared, hurting, broken inside and you share that with someone else only to have them explain why you shouldn't be, or what you should do about it, or how it won't last long, when all you really want is for someone to acknowledge that you are going through a mess, someone to tell you that it just sucks.
There is time for the help and the commiseration later, explaining to them how you got through your own ordeal or offering encouragement, but we have to start by acknowledging the tragedy.
Just to clarify, I believe that God does use the crappy things that happen in this life for good, but I don't believe he causes them. What good could come from this stuff? I don't even pretend that I understand how He thinks or what His plan is, but I can tell you a few things that I have seen.
When we found out that Emily would be born with a birth defect (spina bifida) we were devastated. I personally felt sorry for myself that I would not have a "normal" child, and then sorry for Emily, that she would have to deal with this her whole life and I was mad at God for allowing this to happen. Fast forward 3 months to Emily's birth and extended stay in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) and the day we met the Liebelts. They had just found out that their unborn daughter also had spina bifida and were told by the Dr that there was not much hope and they should consider terminating the pregnancy. An aunt happened to be a NICU nurse who was helping with Emily and asked us if we would be willing to talk with them. We spent the next hour or so looking through pictures and answering their questions. Now 7 years later our daughters are best friends and Triann and Lex talk at least weekly.
This silly blog is another example. I would never have put this together if I hadn't been so ready to explode from all of the crap with Triann and cancer that I had to find an outlet. I have heard over and over that my silly ramblings have been encouraging to others that are going through their own garbage. Is it because I am a brilliant writer, stunning people with my amazing prose? Absolutely not, it is God using our tragedy to help others. I am just proud to be in the middle of it.
I'll wrap it up... I am not a shrink, and certainly not a genius, but from personal experience and through talking with others that have also been through some junk (who hasn't?) I know that sometimes life sucks.
The next time someone shares with you about their current tragedy, stop and consider before you respond, maybe "that sucks" is all they need to hear.
E
Often we try to think of something helpful. Some way to give them a piece of advice or some profound saying or encouraging word. Some people have been through something similar and will say they know just what you are going through, or respond autobiographically (my mom just died... I'm sorry, my mom died last Christmas and it took forever to get over it, in fact I don't know if you ever get over it, etc, etc, etc). Many Christians will dig into their bag of verses or will attempt to explain why God allows this stuff to happen. This is when the classics come out... "God is preparing you for something even greater", "It is all part of God's plan", "This too will pass", etc.
Bottom line is that you feel horrible and maybe a little uncomfortable and are trying to come up with something that will help. Let me suggest this, two simple words...
"That Sucks"
Think about it. Think about a time when you have been in that situation. Scared, hurting, broken inside and you share that with someone else only to have them explain why you shouldn't be, or what you should do about it, or how it won't last long, when all you really want is for someone to acknowledge that you are going through a mess, someone to tell you that it just sucks.
There is time for the help and the commiseration later, explaining to them how you got through your own ordeal or offering encouragement, but we have to start by acknowledging the tragedy.
Just to clarify, I believe that God does use the crappy things that happen in this life for good, but I don't believe he causes them. What good could come from this stuff? I don't even pretend that I understand how He thinks or what His plan is, but I can tell you a few things that I have seen.
When we found out that Emily would be born with a birth defect (spina bifida) we were devastated. I personally felt sorry for myself that I would not have a "normal" child, and then sorry for Emily, that she would have to deal with this her whole life and I was mad at God for allowing this to happen. Fast forward 3 months to Emily's birth and extended stay in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) and the day we met the Liebelts. They had just found out that their unborn daughter also had spina bifida and were told by the Dr that there was not much hope and they should consider terminating the pregnancy. An aunt happened to be a NICU nurse who was helping with Emily and asked us if we would be willing to talk with them. We spent the next hour or so looking through pictures and answering their questions. Now 7 years later our daughters are best friends and Triann and Lex talk at least weekly.
This silly blog is another example. I would never have put this together if I hadn't been so ready to explode from all of the crap with Triann and cancer that I had to find an outlet. I have heard over and over that my silly ramblings have been encouraging to others that are going through their own garbage. Is it because I am a brilliant writer, stunning people with my amazing prose? Absolutely not, it is God using our tragedy to help others. I am just proud to be in the middle of it.
I'll wrap it up... I am not a shrink, and certainly not a genius, but from personal experience and through talking with others that have also been through some junk (who hasn't?) I know that sometimes life sucks.
The next time someone shares with you about their current tragedy, stop and consider before you respond, maybe "that sucks" is all they need to hear.
E
Monday, March 16, 2009
A modern day miracle
Dictionary.com describes a miracle as an effect or extraordinary event in the physical world that surpasses all known human or natural powers and is ascribed to a supernatural cause. Well, lets see if this fits the bill.
Triann went to Houston again for her scans. These scans were to be compared to the scans in November to see if there were any hot spots. The biggest struggle I have had with this whole thing is that there is just so little information about Triann's form of cancer. There are relatively few cases of Adrenal cancer to begin with but the vast majority of them are stage 4. This means that the cancer has spread to other parts of the body and is very difficult to treat. Because of this most of the information available has a very grim outlook. There are only a handful of cases where for whatever reason the cancer is found prior to stage 4.
I didn't really know what to expect when we went down there, but was very surprised when the doctor came back with a huge smile on his face and told us he was surprised but there were no hot spots. He was so comfortable with Triann's current state that he said we do not need to come back down for 6 months (instead of the normal 3 month gap). He did say that Triann needed to up her Mitotane levels but that once she reached the level of 13 (whatever that means) she could back off the pills.
Let me try to explain why I think this qualifies as a miracle. Bear with me, since I have to go back a bit to set this all up.
Emily was born with a Latex allergy. This meant that Triann had to quit selling rubber stamps and I had to quit selling conveyor belt. Aaron Lane was selling mortgages for Aames Home Loans in Portland and got me an interview. I progressed through jobs inside Aames until Aames was bought by Accredited and I was relocated to their San Diego headquarters in March 07. We thought the move made sense since I had been traveling to San Diego weekly for most of 06. Things didn't quite turn out how we expected since the company closed down most of its operations and I was layed off in August (yes... 5 months after we got there). I looked for a job for 3 months with 0 results. I ended up at Chase based on a dinner conversation between my old boss and my new boss who happen to be related. I understand it went something like this...
New Boss "I am looking for a trainer in San Diego"
Old Boss "That's funny, we just laid a guy off in San Diego"
New Boss "Did you let him go because he wasn't any good"
Old Boss "Oh no, he was the best trainer we had, great with people, quick learner, a real stand up guy, we hated to see him go"
New Boss "Man that's great, I have been interviewing tons of folks for the job, but haven't found just the right one"
Old Boss "Give Eric a call, you won't be disappointed"
(I am not entirely sure it went just like that, but it works for me)
Anyway, I hired on at Chase but after 3 months of no pay in San Diego we were really hurting financially. I heard that there was an opening for my same position in Dallas and approached my boss about it. He said I could transfer out there on my own dime and they would open the position in San Diego instead. This made sense since the cost of living was so much cheaper in Dallas so we did it. We landed here in Dallas in June of '08.
Hang tight, we are getting close to the end...
We were not sure about our decision, when we got here we walked right into the heat of the summer, 110 plus days and $550 electric bills. Any savings we were expecting were eating up by the utilities (I have never paid more than $150 for electricity in my life). In September Triann and I were sitting around talking about whether or not we had made the right decision to come out here, two days later we were celebrating our 13th anniversary in Plano Presbyterian hospital and they were explaining that Triann had a Tumor and that she should get her affairs in order. After that shock we were told that the oncologist was not comfortable with treating Triann and that we needed to go to the best Cancer hospital in the country, MD Anderson.
OK, so did you follow all of that? Let me 'splain... no there is too much. Let me sum up (sorry for that)
If Emily wasn't born with the latex issue I wouldn't have gone to Aames, If I hadn't gone to Aames I wouldn't have been moved to San Diego. If I hadn't gone to San Diego and been laid off I wouldn't have been looking for work. If I hadn't been looking for work (and worked for my old boss at Aames) I wouldn't have hired on at Chase. If I hadn't hired on at Chase, I wouldn't have moved to Dallas. If I hadn't moved to Dallas, I wouldn't have been withing driving distance of the country's best cancer center. If we hadn't have gone through all the stressful things we have already gone through we wouldn't have been ready to deal with this.
Do I need to go on? How about the fact that If Daniel had not jumped on Triann we NEVER would have found the tumor before it grew to a stage 4 (is everyone clear on this? the only way people EVER find this is after it has spread to the lungs and it is noticed there). And now after it was removed there is no sign of any residual stuff anywhere in her body, are you kidding me?
A lot of coinkidinks don't you think? I am sure that you could argue that it was all just chance, that God doesn't care about silly things like this. You could argue all you want, just don't do it with me. I believe whole heartedly that He is interested in our daily lives and if we stop and look long enough we can see His hand (re-read the above).
I want to make a point, and then I will quit for now. Christianity is a greatly misunderstood thing, even by Christians. True Christianity is about a relationship with Christ. We talk to Him through prayer and He talks to us through the Bible and our lives. Deciding to follow Christ does not (I repeat DOES NOT) mean that your life will be easy. No where in the bible does he say that (despite what you hear from some televangelists). It does however say that he will not give you ANYTHING that you cannot handle. That is what makes the difference. I know that I am not doing this alone. Once more, read above.
I think the whole thing qualifies as a miracle (an effect or extraordinary event in the physical world that surpasses all known human or natural powers and is ascribed to a supernatural cause).
How about you?
E
Triann went to Houston again for her scans. These scans were to be compared to the scans in November to see if there were any hot spots. The biggest struggle I have had with this whole thing is that there is just so little information about Triann's form of cancer. There are relatively few cases of Adrenal cancer to begin with but the vast majority of them are stage 4. This means that the cancer has spread to other parts of the body and is very difficult to treat. Because of this most of the information available has a very grim outlook. There are only a handful of cases where for whatever reason the cancer is found prior to stage 4.
I didn't really know what to expect when we went down there, but was very surprised when the doctor came back with a huge smile on his face and told us he was surprised but there were no hot spots. He was so comfortable with Triann's current state that he said we do not need to come back down for 6 months (instead of the normal 3 month gap). He did say that Triann needed to up her Mitotane levels but that once she reached the level of 13 (whatever that means) she could back off the pills.
Let me try to explain why I think this qualifies as a miracle. Bear with me, since I have to go back a bit to set this all up.
Emily was born with a Latex allergy. This meant that Triann had to quit selling rubber stamps and I had to quit selling conveyor belt. Aaron Lane was selling mortgages for Aames Home Loans in Portland and got me an interview. I progressed through jobs inside Aames until Aames was bought by Accredited and I was relocated to their San Diego headquarters in March 07. We thought the move made sense since I had been traveling to San Diego weekly for most of 06. Things didn't quite turn out how we expected since the company closed down most of its operations and I was layed off in August (yes... 5 months after we got there). I looked for a job for 3 months with 0 results. I ended up at Chase based on a dinner conversation between my old boss and my new boss who happen to be related. I understand it went something like this...
New Boss "I am looking for a trainer in San Diego"
Old Boss "That's funny, we just laid a guy off in San Diego"
New Boss "Did you let him go because he wasn't any good"
Old Boss "Oh no, he was the best trainer we had, great with people, quick learner, a real stand up guy, we hated to see him go"
New Boss "Man that's great, I have been interviewing tons of folks for the job, but haven't found just the right one"
Old Boss "Give Eric a call, you won't be disappointed"
(I am not entirely sure it went just like that, but it works for me)
Anyway, I hired on at Chase but after 3 months of no pay in San Diego we were really hurting financially. I heard that there was an opening for my same position in Dallas and approached my boss about it. He said I could transfer out there on my own dime and they would open the position in San Diego instead. This made sense since the cost of living was so much cheaper in Dallas so we did it. We landed here in Dallas in June of '08.
Hang tight, we are getting close to the end...
We were not sure about our decision, when we got here we walked right into the heat of the summer, 110 plus days and $550 electric bills. Any savings we were expecting were eating up by the utilities (I have never paid more than $150 for electricity in my life). In September Triann and I were sitting around talking about whether or not we had made the right decision to come out here, two days later we were celebrating our 13th anniversary in Plano Presbyterian hospital and they were explaining that Triann had a Tumor and that she should get her affairs in order. After that shock we were told that the oncologist was not comfortable with treating Triann and that we needed to go to the best Cancer hospital in the country, MD Anderson.
OK, so did you follow all of that? Let me 'splain... no there is too much. Let me sum up (sorry for that)
If Emily wasn't born with the latex issue I wouldn't have gone to Aames, If I hadn't gone to Aames I wouldn't have been moved to San Diego. If I hadn't gone to San Diego and been laid off I wouldn't have been looking for work. If I hadn't been looking for work (and worked for my old boss at Aames) I wouldn't have hired on at Chase. If I hadn't hired on at Chase, I wouldn't have moved to Dallas. If I hadn't moved to Dallas, I wouldn't have been withing driving distance of the country's best cancer center. If we hadn't have gone through all the stressful things we have already gone through we wouldn't have been ready to deal with this.
Do I need to go on? How about the fact that If Daniel had not jumped on Triann we NEVER would have found the tumor before it grew to a stage 4 (is everyone clear on this? the only way people EVER find this is after it has spread to the lungs and it is noticed there). And now after it was removed there is no sign of any residual stuff anywhere in her body, are you kidding me?
A lot of coinkidinks don't you think? I am sure that you could argue that it was all just chance, that God doesn't care about silly things like this. You could argue all you want, just don't do it with me. I believe whole heartedly that He is interested in our daily lives and if we stop and look long enough we can see His hand (re-read the above).
I want to make a point, and then I will quit for now. Christianity is a greatly misunderstood thing, even by Christians. True Christianity is about a relationship with Christ. We talk to Him through prayer and He talks to us through the Bible and our lives. Deciding to follow Christ does not (I repeat DOES NOT) mean that your life will be easy. No where in the bible does he say that (despite what you hear from some televangelists). It does however say that he will not give you ANYTHING that you cannot handle. That is what makes the difference. I know that I am not doing this alone. Once more, read above.
I think the whole thing qualifies as a miracle (an effect or extraordinary event in the physical world that surpasses all known human or natural powers and is ascribed to a supernatural cause).
How about you?
E
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Crossroads
Triann and I met at Lutheran Bible Institute in Issaqwah, WA in September of 1995. I can still remember the moment I met her. A group of us guys were sitting in the couches at the top of the common stairs. We had the typical gang courage and were stopping all the girls as they came up the stairs, asking them their names, ages and where they were. I said gang courage because I don't think any of us would have had the guts to do that on our own, but in a group we were all willing to throw it out there. So up the stairs comes this absolutely gorgeous brunette, with curly brown hair, makeup, nails and dressed like a star. We asked her name and she told us Triann, we asked where she was from and she said Bellevue, we asked her age and she said guess... We all guessed high, I guessed 26 and she wouldn't tell us if we were even close (turned out she was 18 but didn't want to tell us that. She smiled with that smile that still melts my heart and headed down the hall, headed wherever she was headed before we stopped her, but she might have had an even bigger smile on her face. We didn't really hang out just the two of us, but the groups that we ended up running with would always end up together. After a month or so of this, I finally got up the courage to ask her to go for a walk with me. We walked around the campus. It was great. The next months were awesome. I remember the first time we held hands, went to dinner, kissed, and layed in the grass staring at the stars and talking about dream homes. Some of the best memories were the walks, eating Chinese at QVC, and coloring together in the running cup.
This went on for the rest of the 92/93 school year. That summer Triann stayed with her uncle in Salem and worked at The Bon so we were still able to hang out. In the fall we both headed back up to Issaquah. The fun dating and flirting went on for that next semester and then I was kicked out of bible college. What??? Yup, kicked out on academic probation. Read back through what I have written and you will see part of what I focused on during that time. Now before anyone reads into this that I am blaming Triann for me getting the boot, it was all me. The time that I wasn't in class, or running around with Triann, I was screwing around on my own. Up all night playing games, visiting and making life long friends. All fun and all good for me but the bottom line was I got the boot because I didn't study.
I had been working on a bachelors degree in Youth and Family Ministry. I had spent my whole growing up involved with the church and my older teen years working with the youth group at my church. I loved the Lord and knew that was what I wanted to do with my life. Getting kicked out of bible college was devastating. In the Lutheran church (where I grew up) to be a pastor you needed a 4 year bachelors and then another 4 years in seminary. 8 years, and I blew it after a year and a half. I went back home to Vancouver, WA and started working for a temp agency taking odd jobs (A whole other post about that) and then heard about Lutheran Youth Encounter. This was a ministry out of Minneapolis, MN that sent teams out for a year, playing music and working with kids in 6 different regions of the US. I sent in an audition tape of my singing and bass playing and made the cut. This started our year of being apart. I proposed to Triann and then jumped on a plane and headed out for a year.
What a year it was, we traveled to a new town in the South Central region (NE, IA, KS, MO, AR, OK, TX and LA) EVERY day, set up, played our gig at the church and then went to stay at a host families house... EVERY night. It was a blast. I met some incredible people and had some incredible experiences that year. Even though Triann and I missed each other terribly, I count that as one of the greatest times of my life. Abilene was a small town in the middle of Kansas. Our team had two stops there that year and I had some incredible times there and made some great relationships... When the year was over, I received a call from Trinity Lutheran Church in Abilene asking if I would be interested in working for them as a Youth Director. What??? I got kicked out of school, but they still wanted me to work there, doing what I had wanted to do. Of course I said yes.
I got home in August, and Triann and I were married on September 30th 1995. Two days later we jumped into the car and took a nice long drive out to Kansas for our honeymoon, by way of Lake Tahoe, Vegas, Sante Fe, and Colorado Springs (again a whole separate post, probably more entertaining from Trianns perspective). We showed up, moved into our first place and went to work. In early 1997 the church was going through some difficulties regarding the split in the ELCA (Evangelical Lutheran Church of America) and the end result was I left. Why?
Tough to answer, there were many reasons to leave and probably just as many to stay. Ultimately I ended up taking a position as a police officer for Abilene and thus ended my career in the church.
Why am I writing all of this? Honestly it is more for me than it is for you. I have been struggling since I left the church, knowing deep down in my heart of hearts that I was supposed to be working for God, but coming up with a million and one reasons why it wouldn't work. I heard my 3rd sermon in as many months this weekend regarding getting involved with the church. Moving to the 3rd step in many ministry models, Meet God, Meet People and Meet Needs. The concept is that a non believer first has to find God and start his relationship with him, then he meets other believers and refines his faith, then he takes his role in the body of Christ and starts to meet the needs of others.
So after years of pushing back, I am now ready to jump in. The best part is I have no idea what that means. I know what I am good at. I am a great facilitator/teacher taking complex topics and delivering them to a wide range of people in such a way that they are understood and owned by the recipients. I love talking to large groups and currently have a job where I am presenting to groups ranging from 6 to 90 people. But I still don't know what I am supposed to do. Do I go back to school, take night classes and try to finish my biblical studies degree to see where that takes me? Will I end up standing in front of a congregation sharing with others how a personal relationship with Christ can change their lives. Or will I be a lay worker (fancy church word for a volunteer), helping around the church leading studies or working with the men's group? How will God use me, what does He want me to do?
Truth is I have no idea and I am ok with that. I am really surprising myself with this. In the past I would already be obsessing with this, trying to plan out what is next and what I need to do. But with the events of the last few months and having finally got it through my thick head that God is in control and will clearly show me where to go, I am not worried about it. I am having fun imagining all the options and feeling the peace of finally turning this over to Him.
I have requested an appointment with my Sr Pastor to talk about education and opportunities to help in the church and will see what I learn from that. I have to say I am very excited about the prospect of finishing my degree, and with all the online options out there today I think I could probably pull it off. Finances... well that is another story entirely. If I can't afford to get us down to Houston for Triann's testing, how in the world could I even dream about paying for school again. Once again, No Idea. But it doesn't hurt to dream, and if it is what God wants me to do, then it will work out.
So here we are 13 years later and I am faced with the exciting prospect of closing this circle, maybe finishing my education, maybe getting involved with the church and maybe crossing the road into the next chapter of my life. Whatever happens, I have now taken my control away and turned it over to God. I am not scared, actually I am excited because I am doing this with the support of the two most important people in my life. My God, and my Wife.
E
This went on for the rest of the 92/93 school year. That summer Triann stayed with her uncle in Salem and worked at The Bon so we were still able to hang out. In the fall we both headed back up to Issaquah. The fun dating and flirting went on for that next semester and then I was kicked out of bible college. What??? Yup, kicked out on academic probation. Read back through what I have written and you will see part of what I focused on during that time. Now before anyone reads into this that I am blaming Triann for me getting the boot, it was all me. The time that I wasn't in class, or running around with Triann, I was screwing around on my own. Up all night playing games, visiting and making life long friends. All fun and all good for me but the bottom line was I got the boot because I didn't study.
I had been working on a bachelors degree in Youth and Family Ministry. I had spent my whole growing up involved with the church and my older teen years working with the youth group at my church. I loved the Lord and knew that was what I wanted to do with my life. Getting kicked out of bible college was devastating. In the Lutheran church (where I grew up) to be a pastor you needed a 4 year bachelors and then another 4 years in seminary. 8 years, and I blew it after a year and a half. I went back home to Vancouver, WA and started working for a temp agency taking odd jobs (A whole other post about that) and then heard about Lutheran Youth Encounter. This was a ministry out of Minneapolis, MN that sent teams out for a year, playing music and working with kids in 6 different regions of the US. I sent in an audition tape of my singing and bass playing and made the cut. This started our year of being apart. I proposed to Triann and then jumped on a plane and headed out for a year.
What a year it was, we traveled to a new town in the South Central region (NE, IA, KS, MO, AR, OK, TX and LA) EVERY day, set up, played our gig at the church and then went to stay at a host families house... EVERY night. It was a blast. I met some incredible people and had some incredible experiences that year. Even though Triann and I missed each other terribly, I count that as one of the greatest times of my life. Abilene was a small town in the middle of Kansas. Our team had two stops there that year and I had some incredible times there and made some great relationships... When the year was over, I received a call from Trinity Lutheran Church in Abilene asking if I would be interested in working for them as a Youth Director. What??? I got kicked out of school, but they still wanted me to work there, doing what I had wanted to do. Of course I said yes.
I got home in August, and Triann and I were married on September 30th 1995. Two days later we jumped into the car and took a nice long drive out to Kansas for our honeymoon, by way of Lake Tahoe, Vegas, Sante Fe, and Colorado Springs (again a whole separate post, probably more entertaining from Trianns perspective). We showed up, moved into our first place and went to work. In early 1997 the church was going through some difficulties regarding the split in the ELCA (Evangelical Lutheran Church of America) and the end result was I left. Why?
Tough to answer, there were many reasons to leave and probably just as many to stay. Ultimately I ended up taking a position as a police officer for Abilene and thus ended my career in the church.
Why am I writing all of this? Honestly it is more for me than it is for you. I have been struggling since I left the church, knowing deep down in my heart of hearts that I was supposed to be working for God, but coming up with a million and one reasons why it wouldn't work. I heard my 3rd sermon in as many months this weekend regarding getting involved with the church. Moving to the 3rd step in many ministry models, Meet God, Meet People and Meet Needs. The concept is that a non believer first has to find God and start his relationship with him, then he meets other believers and refines his faith, then he takes his role in the body of Christ and starts to meet the needs of others.
So after years of pushing back, I am now ready to jump in. The best part is I have no idea what that means. I know what I am good at. I am a great facilitator/teacher taking complex topics and delivering them to a wide range of people in such a way that they are understood and owned by the recipients. I love talking to large groups and currently have a job where I am presenting to groups ranging from 6 to 90 people. But I still don't know what I am supposed to do. Do I go back to school, take night classes and try to finish my biblical studies degree to see where that takes me? Will I end up standing in front of a congregation sharing with others how a personal relationship with Christ can change their lives. Or will I be a lay worker (fancy church word for a volunteer), helping around the church leading studies or working with the men's group? How will God use me, what does He want me to do?
Truth is I have no idea and I am ok with that. I am really surprising myself with this. In the past I would already be obsessing with this, trying to plan out what is next and what I need to do. But with the events of the last few months and having finally got it through my thick head that God is in control and will clearly show me where to go, I am not worried about it. I am having fun imagining all the options and feeling the peace of finally turning this over to Him.
I have requested an appointment with my Sr Pastor to talk about education and opportunities to help in the church and will see what I learn from that. I have to say I am very excited about the prospect of finishing my degree, and with all the online options out there today I think I could probably pull it off. Finances... well that is another story entirely. If I can't afford to get us down to Houston for Triann's testing, how in the world could I even dream about paying for school again. Once again, No Idea. But it doesn't hurt to dream, and if it is what God wants me to do, then it will work out.
So here we are 13 years later and I am faced with the exciting prospect of closing this circle, maybe finishing my education, maybe getting involved with the church and maybe crossing the road into the next chapter of my life. Whatever happens, I have now taken my control away and turned it over to God. I am not scared, actually I am excited because I am doing this with the support of the two most important people in my life. My God, and my Wife.
E
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Here we go again...
Well, not doing so good keeping up with this. Life has been pretty hectic but good. Triann is up to 8 pills a day now and is very tired but is doing well. I don't know if anyone is actually surprised by that. She is an amazing woman. Just a summary for those new to this. Triann had her adrenal tumor removed in October and we had a visit to MD Anderson cancer center in Houston in November. At that time they took a full body scan. That scan by itself doesn't tell the doctors anything until they have another one to compare it to. So on the 24th of this month (February) we head back down again to have the next scan. With this one they can compare the two and find out if there is cancer anywhere else in her body or if it is gone.
So here we are. It has been a bit of a roller coaster since the initial hospital visit on our anniversary and I think we are coasting right now. Neither of us know whether to say "Triann has cancer" or "Triann had cancer". Other than the fact that the pills are kicking her butt, (making her tired and nauseous), you wouldn't know by looking at her that anything is wrong. And maybe nothing is... it is a weird place to be. Honestly I have not spent much time worrying about the next visit to Houston, even though if the scan comes back showing anything we will be right back in the thick of it. I guess that God is giving both of us peace about this whole thing, and for that I am thankful.
The trip is already starting to come together. My mom is flying down to go with us to Houston and help with the kids, and a co-worker has given us hotel points to use for a room while we are there. We are desperately trying to put funds away to cover gas and food, but I know that the finances will work out also. It is pretty amazing how God works in our lives, even with the things that must be trivial to him.
So here we go again, heading South, trusting God and waiting to see what is next.
E
So here we are. It has been a bit of a roller coaster since the initial hospital visit on our anniversary and I think we are coasting right now. Neither of us know whether to say "Triann has cancer" or "Triann had cancer". Other than the fact that the pills are kicking her butt, (making her tired and nauseous), you wouldn't know by looking at her that anything is wrong. And maybe nothing is... it is a weird place to be. Honestly I have not spent much time worrying about the next visit to Houston, even though if the scan comes back showing anything we will be right back in the thick of it. I guess that God is giving both of us peace about this whole thing, and for that I am thankful.
The trip is already starting to come together. My mom is flying down to go with us to Houston and help with the kids, and a co-worker has given us hotel points to use for a room while we are there. We are desperately trying to put funds away to cover gas and food, but I know that the finances will work out also. It is pretty amazing how God works in our lives, even with the things that must be trivial to him.
So here we go again, heading South, trusting God and waiting to see what is next.
E
Saturday, January 17, 2009
A new year
Sorry for the long delay, has been quite a new year so far. All in the house have taken their turn with this nasty stomach bug, not a flu but might as well be. We have all been down for at least 6 days each. Triann and the kids are just finishing their round now so we are slowly coming back to life. phew...
It is very customary to make a new year resolution. Setting your mind to do something different in the new year. This has not been a big deal for us in the past but we both took an interesting twist on it this year. Rather than resolving to do something physical (diet, exercise etc) we have both had the strong feeling that this is going to be a great year. I don't think it is something we have to do, but rather something we are supposed to expect or look for. So I guess we have resolved to change our perspective. I think that makes sense. Glass half full, lemon-aid from lemons etc.
Looking back at our past we can see all sorts of "bad" things that have happened to us, but couldn't we also say that each of those bad things brought us something good, or taught us something about ourselves and our faith? All of these things we can look back at now and see how we benefited from them. Emily with her disability, job losses and moves, the fire, our financial situation, Triann's health, my health... all of these were "bad" but all have brought us incredible gifts and lessons as well.
Our resolution for this year is to look for that gift and receive it in real time instead of having to look back to see them. I feel strongly, as does Triann, that God has incredible blessings for us this year and we are ready to receive them.
It is very customary to make a new year resolution. Setting your mind to do something different in the new year. This has not been a big deal for us in the past but we both took an interesting twist on it this year. Rather than resolving to do something physical (diet, exercise etc) we have both had the strong feeling that this is going to be a great year. I don't think it is something we have to do, but rather something we are supposed to expect or look for. So I guess we have resolved to change our perspective. I think that makes sense. Glass half full, lemon-aid from lemons etc.
Looking back at our past we can see all sorts of "bad" things that have happened to us, but couldn't we also say that each of those bad things brought us something good, or taught us something about ourselves and our faith? All of these things we can look back at now and see how we benefited from them. Emily with her disability, job losses and moves, the fire, our financial situation, Triann's health, my health... all of these were "bad" but all have brought us incredible gifts and lessons as well.
Our resolution for this year is to look for that gift and receive it in real time instead of having to look back to see them. I feel strongly, as does Triann, that God has incredible blessings for us this year and we are ready to receive them.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
What do you say to that?
I should be writing about our first Christmas here in Plano. How wonderful it was to have Triann's family here in town, how beautiful the tree was and how excited the kids were to see all that Santa had brought them. I guess I just did and will probably write more later, but the reason I started this was to give myself an outlet to chew things over with my fingers and put the thoughts bouncing in my head into print. As much for me as for anyone else, so here is what is eating me right now.
Emily turned 7 today. Last night as we were all settling in for the evening we asked if she was excited about her birthday. She said she was. When asked why, she said she was excited because when she turned 7 she would be able to walk. Most of you know, but for those new to this or to us Emily has spina bifida and is paralyzed from the waist down. She was born this way and has been in a wheelchair since she was 18 months old. Emily has said many times through the years that she will be able to walk once she is grown up. This has increased some in the last couple of years as she has watched her younger brother learn to walk, run, jump, skip etc. She doesn't understand why she as the big sister cannot do things that her little brother is doing.
When the statement came last night, that she would be able to walk since she was turning 7 it caught both of us off guard. I went in to pray with Emily as she was going to bed and found Triann in the bathroom crying by herself. I asked her what was wrong and she said it was Emily's comment. I held her for a few minutes and then she went to sleep and I went to my thinking chair (too much blues clues). I sat and I thought and I prayed and I thought and prayed some more. What is the right thing to think or say to a statement like that?
I know and believe that God can do anything and that if he wanted her to walk tonight while I was writing this, she could get up out of her bed and crawl up into my lap. I know that he tells us in the Bible that with faith the size of a mustard seed we can tell a mountain to move and it will (Matthew 17:20). But do I have that faith? Do I believe that? I know that it is true, but in my heart do I really have the faith to ask that? The answer is no and I think that is where I really am struggling right now. It honestly isn't an issue of if I believe that or not, it is if the fear of it not happening and building up all our hopes. I have always been afraid to pray for specific things. I know that God can do anything but don't think that we always know what it is that we really need so I always pray for God's will to be done, meaning this is what I would like but you do what needs to be done. So do what do I say to Emily?
I said this has come up many times and usually I tell her that it isn't anything to do with her age but that her body just won't let her do that. We have talked about the physical reasons, spinal cord is disconnected, no nerves firing down there. She knows that she can't feel anything below her belly button and that she has hurt herself more than once and not felt it. She snapped her femur earlier this year and didn't even have to be medicated when they set it.
So what would you do? Do you hit her with reality or do you give her hope even if you don't think there is hope?
I don't have a wise answer for you because I don't know the right answer or even what I think I should do. I guess until I come up with something else I will keep telling her the same thing and hope that my lack of faith or confidence doesn't cheat her out of something amazing.
Eric
Emily turned 7 today. Last night as we were all settling in for the evening we asked if she was excited about her birthday. She said she was. When asked why, she said she was excited because when she turned 7 she would be able to walk. Most of you know, but for those new to this or to us Emily has spina bifida and is paralyzed from the waist down. She was born this way and has been in a wheelchair since she was 18 months old. Emily has said many times through the years that she will be able to walk once she is grown up. This has increased some in the last couple of years as she has watched her younger brother learn to walk, run, jump, skip etc. She doesn't understand why she as the big sister cannot do things that her little brother is doing.
When the statement came last night, that she would be able to walk since she was turning 7 it caught both of us off guard. I went in to pray with Emily as she was going to bed and found Triann in the bathroom crying by herself. I asked her what was wrong and she said it was Emily's comment. I held her for a few minutes and then she went to sleep and I went to my thinking chair (too much blues clues). I sat and I thought and I prayed and I thought and prayed some more. What is the right thing to think or say to a statement like that?
I know and believe that God can do anything and that if he wanted her to walk tonight while I was writing this, she could get up out of her bed and crawl up into my lap. I know that he tells us in the Bible that with faith the size of a mustard seed we can tell a mountain to move and it will (Matthew 17:20). But do I have that faith? Do I believe that? I know that it is true, but in my heart do I really have the faith to ask that? The answer is no and I think that is where I really am struggling right now. It honestly isn't an issue of if I believe that or not, it is if the fear of it not happening and building up all our hopes. I have always been afraid to pray for specific things. I know that God can do anything but don't think that we always know what it is that we really need so I always pray for God's will to be done, meaning this is what I would like but you do what needs to be done. So do what do I say to Emily?
I said this has come up many times and usually I tell her that it isn't anything to do with her age but that her body just won't let her do that. We have talked about the physical reasons, spinal cord is disconnected, no nerves firing down there. She knows that she can't feel anything below her belly button and that she has hurt herself more than once and not felt it. She snapped her femur earlier this year and didn't even have to be medicated when they set it.
So what would you do? Do you hit her with reality or do you give her hope even if you don't think there is hope?
I don't have a wise answer for you because I don't know the right answer or even what I think I should do. I guess until I come up with something else I will keep telling her the same thing and hope that my lack of faith or confidence doesn't cheat her out of something amazing.
Eric
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