After the first day in the hospital I knew I couldn't keep up with updates so I asked my mom, Jody (http://clarkcountyhorse.blogspot.com/) to send updates out. I sent her all of my addresses and forwarded any addresses along the way. The following letter was sent out to that list on Thursday the 16th after Triann had come home...
Back in the office today, funny how fast everything can change. There is no doubt in my mind that we are supposed to be here in Dallas and easy now to look back and see the path. As recently as 2 weeks ago we were still wondering what we were doing here and trying to "understand" the plan, pretty clear now :)
This whole thing went so fast, we were expecting them to tell us that her gall bladder was infected or had stones (that is our last visit to web md) so when they came back Tuesday night with the news that there was a tumor we were in complete shock. The next week with Triann in the hospital we both learned a lot about our control issues. Triann had to deal with the fact that she was completely out of the picture at home, no control over all the stuff that had to be done and fought all week with calling me to check up on things. By the end of the week she was able to trust that it was being handled. I learned in a few seconds that nothing else mattered other than Triann's physical health and the kids mental health. I took Emily to some big appointments, had her to school on time with matching clothes, combed hair and brushed teeth, and had some incredible time to hang out with Daniel. Work was absolutely out of my mind and I was able to focus on being a parent and a husband. Not sure if I am doing a good job of explaining what a gift that was in the midst of all the stress.
Waiting for the biopsy results from the Dr was tough, my mind kept running through all of the options and I could eventually give it to God after 10 or 15 minutes of terror thinking about the worst case scenario (Triann not coming home). That got better as the week went on and I was learning to just give it to Him before I went down all the paths. Triann called me on Monday with the results and I just sat there in shock, I went into the hospital to meet with her and the Dr on Monday and listened to the Dr tell us that it was cancer, that there was a 40-60% chance it would return in 5 years and if it did there would not be much they could do. Also that there are not many if any treatment options due to the rarity. Not many cases, not much money, not much research. It all made sense and we took it all in and then sat and looked at each other. I can tell you honestly that I cannot remember crying since my grandfather died when I was 14, I still didn't but it felt like I was going to and my eyes watered up (not bragging, I think this is a flaw) and then we just sat there making small talk, I didn't know what to say so we talked about the kids and the laundry and the dishes. A little while later the surgeon came in and prayed for Triann. It might have been the most wonderful prayer I have ever heard, maybe it was the situation, maybe it was the timing but it changed my attitude immediately. Triann made the most profound statement that started to put me where I am today, she said that God knows the number of her days and this does not change that. She didn't say that she would live to be 80 or even 40 she said that God already knew.
I am writing this out to hold myself accountable to it as much as I am to share it with you, but this is where I am right now. I feel like I have been given the gift of experiencing God's peace, hope and love for the rest of my time here. From my understanding there is no end to cancer, even if they take out what they can see, there is always the threat from what is not seen, the microscopic pieces. Our technology today only allows us to see tumors or growths, but they cannot track the bits and pieces until they are big enough to show on the scans. This means that from today until the day she joins Jesus the threat of her cancer returning will always be there. I can't imagine how terrifying that would be if I didn't already know the rest of the story, that God is in control.
That is it, I might be able to pretend I can control little things in my life or make big plans or moves at work, but I now know and will be reminded daily that I have no control. The peace that I feel right now is from finally being able to say I can't do anything and trusting in Him. It has already affected finances, my relationship with Triann, the kids and others and work. I don't have to worry, because he is running the show, I just have to talk with him and listen to his direction. I am not saying that I am happy that this happened, I wish that I could have figured that out on my own without all of this, but not sure that the process isn't part of it.
So here I am in the place I am supposed to be, with the people I am supposed to be with trusting in the God that has been in charge the whole time but finally is getting the credit.
Looking forward to the next chapters, the next pages, the next lines, the next words or the next letters, depending on what HIS plan is. I can't wait to meet the author :)
Eric
No comments:
Post a Comment