What do you say to that?

I should be writing about our first Christmas here in Plano. How wonderful it was to have Triann's family here in town, how beautiful the tree was and how excited the kids were to see all that Santa had brought them. I guess I just did and will probably write more later, but the reason I started this was to give myself an outlet to chew things over with my fingers and put the thoughts bouncing in my head into print. As much for me as for anyone else, so here is what is eating me right now.

Emily turned 7 today. Last night as we were all settling in for the evening we asked if she was excited about her birthday. She said she was. When asked why, she said she was excited because when she turned 7 she would be able to walk. Most of you know, but for those new to this or to us Emily has spina bifida and is paralyzed from the waist down. She was born this way and has been in a wheelchair since she was 18 months old. Emily has said many times through the years that she will be able to walk once she is grown up. This has increased some in the last couple of years as she has watched her younger brother learn to walk, run, jump, skip etc. She doesn't understand why she as the big sister cannot do things that her little brother is doing.

When the statement came last night, that she would be able to walk since she was turning 7 it caught both of us off guard. I went in to pray with Emily as she was going to bed and found Triann in the bathroom crying by herself. I asked her what was wrong and she said it was Emily's comment. I held her for a few minutes and then she went to sleep and I went to my thinking chair (too much blues clues). I sat and I thought and I prayed and I thought and prayed some more. What is the right thing to think or say to a statement like that?

I know and believe that God can do anything and that if he wanted her to walk tonight while I was writing this, she could get up out of her bed and crawl up into my lap. I know that he tells us in the Bible that with faith the size of a mustard seed we can tell a mountain to move and it will (Matthew 17:20). But do I have that faith? Do I believe that? I know that it is true, but in my heart do I really have the faith to ask that? The answer is no and I think that is where I really am struggling right now. It honestly isn't an issue of if I believe that or not, it is if the fear of it not happening and building up all our hopes. I have always been afraid to pray for specific things. I know that God can do anything but don't think that we always know what it is that we really need so I always pray for God's will to be done, meaning this is what I would like but you do what needs to be done. So do what do I say to Emily?

I said this has come up many times and usually I tell her that it isn't anything to do with her age but that her body just won't let her do that. We have talked about the physical reasons, spinal cord is disconnected, no nerves firing down there. She knows that she can't feel anything below her belly button and that she has hurt herself more than once and not felt it. She snapped her femur earlier this year and didn't even have to be medicated when they set it.

So what would you do? Do you hit her with reality or do you give her hope even if you don't think there is hope?

I don't have a wise answer for you because I don't know the right answer or even what I think I should do. I guess until I come up with something else I will keep telling her the same thing and hope that my lack of faith or confidence doesn't cheat her out of something amazing.

Eric

How are you guys doing?

This is a question I get daily from friends and family... "how are you guys doing". I give them the pat answer "pretty good". I don't think it is because I don't want to share what is going on, I just don't think I know how to explain it or have had the time to try and sort it out. I am going to try to sort it out now.

The biggest thing Triann is dealing with right now is recovering from her surgery. I have to keep reminding her and me that she had a 13cm tumor (we have named it meat wad) removed from her October 8th, just 8 weeks ago. She is still dealing with a lot of pain and a lack of energy. She is able to get around fine, but she is unable to pick up the kids and hurt herself yesterday picking up a spindle of 100 CD's. She can do some things around the house but doesn't have enough energy to do what she wants to do.

Triann is taking her meds and is up to 4 of her chemo pills right now. The original goal was to add one pill a week until she reaches 12 per day. She is also taking her hormone pills also. She will have to do blood work this week and send it down to Houston to see what her levels are and the doctor will clear her to move up to the next step. She has been a bit nauseous but has been able to keep that in check.

I think she is just tired of healing and tired of not being able to do what she wants to do. I think she is also emotionally wore out also. This has been a bit of a roller coaster ride and she is exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically.

I have been having a hard time lately knowing what to do. I am in a very busy season at work right now, and have been coming home drained and without a lot of support for her. A lot different then when she was in the hospital and I was able to spend hours just sitting and talking. I said it before and will say it again, that might have been some of the best time we have spent together in our entire marriage. So I guess the biggest thing I can do right now is make time to just sit together.

If you haven't guessed by now, I am figuring a lot of this out while I am writing, so probably not the best flowing post I have made, but maybe the most honest.

We went on a "date" last night. Left the kids at home and had dinner and watched a movie. I think we both enjoyed ourselves but it was awkward. There are so many things that both of us need from each other, and even though that was the first time we had been alone since the hospital, I don't think either of us wanted to talk about them because we didn't want to ruin that time. We tried a bit of serious conversation and it didn't go well. So we just enjoyed each others company the rest of the night.

My biggest fear right now is that we get so busy with all of the holiday stuff on top of our already busy lives and we just push this away. But the other side of that is I don't know how to even begin to talk about where we are without adding more stress to our relationship.

I know the right answer, we need to talk about it, but both of us do very well with stuffing things down and acting like everything is ok. I just think it is a shame to do that in light of the gift we have been given. I feel that we have both been reminded that life is short and we need to appreciate every day we have together. If that means a few rough ones while we sort some of this stuff out, then get on with the rest of life, I think it is what we should do.

Easier said (or typed) then done.

That's how we are doing

Shooting for God

I love video games. I have spent most of my life playing games of some sort. It started in grade school playing oregon trial on the apple IIe at school and hunt the wumpas on the TI 99 4a at home. My neighbor had an odyssey and an atari 2600 that we played on and family friends had a commodore 64, a coleco vision and an intelevision. I had games on every computer I have ever had, from might and magic on my 286 to wolfenstein and vga planets on my 486 in college all the way up to half life and unreal on the pentium 4. Of course I played my share of arcade games also mainly wasting quarters on dig dug, icari warriors, 1942 and 720.

As far as consoles go, different friends had nintendo's (nes) and I played my share of the mario games but didn't get my own until after I was married. I owned an NES, super nintendo, sega dreamcast, N64, xbox, xbox 360 and now a wii.

What does this have to do with anything? Well a group of us have been getting together for years to play halo, first locally on the xbox (4 tv's and 4 xbox's in one house, thanks diogi) and more recently playing on xbox live over the internet. Last spring, my good buddy the proud papa (formerly known as honz and gandalf) and I decided to meet weekly to play halo and to use the time between games, while waiting in the lobby to share prayer requests and pray. This was done using the xbox headset so we are able to talk like we were on the phone. We started inviting other friends and ended up with a regular group of 5 guys on monday nights (emsdaddy, the proud papa, ryderlane, furious george, and trinipular). We would meet at 10, share prayer requests, read through a devotional and then pray. We would then head up to live and play Halo3 either by ourselves or online with others. The beauty of this is that we live no where near each other, but can fellowship together online. I was able to take my box with me on business trips and participated from my hotel room.

The highlight of all of this was when people we didn't know would jump into our lobby and hear us talking about God. This was a little hairy at first, expecting people to give us flak, but we found that people would either just leave or they would stay and ask questions about God the Bible and our faith. It was amazing. God used this silly game to plant seeds with folks from all around the world.

All of this fell aside when Triann got sick, but I am excited to say we finally started again this week.

There is a huge debate hiding in this post. Should a Christian be playing violent games online? I can't answer that for anyone, and don't know if I have a complete answer for myself. What I do know is that God found a way to use a group of us to reach some folks right where they are. We don't preach and we don't pretend to be perfect or know everything, but we explain what we believe and explain why WE believe it. Pretty cool in my book

If you are ever on xbox live, look me up and send me a message.

Eric "EmsDaddy" Benson

Thanksgiving

One of the traditions in the Benson house was for dad to make the stuffing and put the turkey in late wed night then head back to bed. Waking up to the smell of roasting turkey was always a highlight. As time went on I was. able to help dad cook and always looked forward to it.

I have been away from home for six thanksgivings. One when I was on team, three in Kansas, one in San Diego and now one in Dallas. This is the first year I have actually cooked a turkey. As with most things, I decided to do it a little different. I only bought a 5lb breast since it was just us and I decided to smoke it on the Treager grill rather than roasting it. So instead of stuffing the bird the night before, I put the breast into a brine. I put the turkey on at 7:00 Thursday morning and let it smoke for 6 hours. Since it was just us we decided what our favorite sides were and ended up with stuffing, potatos, green bean casserole, corn, roles and sweet potato's. We ate around 2 and sure enjoyed our food. I don't know if it was the best that we had ever had, but it was the first that we had done on our own and in light of all that has gone on recently it was sure nice to sit as a family and think about all that I am thankful for.

Trianns health... I love my wife and have loved her since the day I met her 16 years ago but it is amazing how that feeling is refined and clarified when you realize how quickly things could change. I was forced to think about life without Triann. It was terrifying to say the least. I am learning to enjoy each day and for that I am thankful

My health... I just started taking the remicaid infusions and for the first time in I don't remember how long I don't hurt. Its as if the clock rolled back 10 years.

Our finances... I have been dreading our financial future. Folks have been incredibly generous and have helped us through this time, but I could not see an end to it and couldn't imagine having to spend the rest of my life with my hand out. We are not out of the woods yet, but we were directed to a program by the Scottish Rite Hospital that will pay for all of Emily's medical expenses not covered by insurance. This will include supplies, prescriptions, co-pays etc. We will find out more about this in the coming weeks. In addition we found out that while the injections I can give myself are 700 every two weeks, if I go into the office and get a 3 hour infusion every 6 weeks it will be covered under a 30 dollar office co-pay. Triann still has expenses and life happens, but with those two major expenses possibly under control I can see light at the end of the tunnel.

My faith... I have learned through this last year (fire, job loss, relocation, Triann"s health) that God is watching out for us. Folks will ask how I can say that when terrible things happen to us. I will answer that God does not cause the awful things to happen, but he gives us the strength and ability (through ourselves and others) to get through these things.

I have a million other things as well, but this has turned into a novel already. Suffice it to say that I love my life and look forward to another year of adventures and opportunity's.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

The way of boys

This weekend I had the incredible privilege of watching my son play. My parents are in town visiting and we went to Tyler to TX to visit Tom and Diann Brown. Dad was in the Navy with Tom and he and mom have been great friends with Tom and Diann ever since. I don't remember this, but when I was young (4 I think) Mom and Dad brought me down to Tyler to visit with the Browns and dad bought me my first pair of cowboy boots (I say first, because I had many, until I met Triann) Anyhow we were able to repeat the tradition when Dad took Daniel shopping in Tyler this weekend and bought him his first pair of boots. That was cool. I have no idea what my boots looked like but Daniels are brown leather bottoms with camouflage uppers and a John Deere logo. He spent all Saturday stomping around in them until we finally took them off to put him to bed. Emily also got a pair of boots on Saturday, hers were pink with a zipper all the way down the side and stars that light up when she pushes down on them, absolutely perfect for her.

On Sunday, Triann got Daniel dressed in a pair of jeans, a blue flannel shirt and of course his new boots. Tom and Diann's daughter and son in law (Brook and Chris) live in Tyler also and came over that morning with their two kids Daniel 6 and Abby 7. Emily and Abby immediately set off to dress undress and redress the dolls, while big Daniel and Little Daniel headed outside to play.

Now I want to break down the difference between 2 different types of play, city play and country play. City play is either at a playground or in a back yard, playing on swings or kicking balls in the grass while parents worry about cars and weirdo's. Country play involves exploring trees and sheds and jumping in leaf piles, playing with barn cats and walking with sticks. I think that the country play is more natural and that is what I was able to watch this weekend.

I set the rules, don't go down the hill, don't go out on the road and don't poke the dog. With these rules in place and a good cup of coffee in my hand I set him free to explore. Big Daniel and Little Daniel spent hours out there, throwing leaves in the air, pretending they were driving the tractor, petting picking up and then carrying the cat (see Triann's blog for pictures of this patient creature) and discovering how fun it was to carry a stick and the cool noise it makes when you whip it through the air. I didn't go outside to interfere, not because I didn't want to play with my son, but because I saw the value of this time to play and explore with a new friend.

At the end of the day, as the sun started to set big Daniel and little Daniel reluctantly came into the house to warm up. All the leaves had been moved, all the adventures had been had and there wasn't room in their clothes or hair for any more dirt. I welcomed my Daniel into the house with a hug and told him how much fun it was to watch him and how proud I was of him. He smiled and ran off into the living room to play with big Daniel and when I went there in a few minutes to check on him he was asleep on the foot stool.

As I reflect on this I realize as much fun as I had this weekend listening to Dad's stories, visiting with everyone and eating some incredible food, the highlight of my weekend was watching my son play the way I remember playing... with a few rules and a lot of freedom.

I can't help but compare that to my spiritual life. Is it that different? God gives us a few rules and then stands back and watches us as we play, allowing us to explore and make choices on our own. Waiting patiently until the sun goes down and he can welcome us into the house with a hug and tell us how much fun it was to watch us and how proud he is of us.

I thank God daily for my children and how much they have helped me understand more about our Fathers love for us.

Eric

Waiting again.

Back in the same waiting room I wrote about last month, now without the Halloween decorations. I was thinking about how much fun Triann and I are having re connecting with folks on face book. As usual, my head starts digging for a reason for the need to re connect. I mean if I never dis connected I would not need to re connect.

Am I alone? Is this a guy thing or do I secretly enjoy the thrill of finding people 10 years later rather than sharing in their life during that time. And we aren't talking about casual friends, I am hooking up again with folks from LBI that I used to spend most of my waking hours with. These are the guys and gals that helped shape who I am today, music preferences, movies, tv shows, authors, moral values, humor etc. We would stay up and laugh about nothing. Cram into a room and play silly video games into the morning. "Study" for a big exam as a group. Worship, pray and grow together. But I haven't talked to any of them for 14 years.

Its not just this group of good friends, I don't think I have talked to anyone from high school since around graduation, haven't talked to anyone from kansas since we moved. There are only a handful of all the incredible friends I had in San Diego that I have talked to since we left.

The only folks I have kept up with are some of the people from our young married group in vancouver.

I can't think of any wise or funny parallel to life or faith. I really am puzzled and frustrated by this. I have not just met, but have been good friends with some of the most incredible people that God has placed on this earth and have just discarded them.

I have thought about it through the years, wondering where they ended up and making lame attempts to reach out, but never re connecting or bringing them back into my life. I think I have lost something because of that, years of friendship that cannot be replaced.

So I apologize, to my friends past present and future and also to myself for all the years lost. Don't know that I can say it won't happen again, because I don't know why it happens in the first place. But the fun I have had in the last few days have made me really think about how to fix this going forward.

Eric.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Veterans Day

I just wanted to say thank you to all of the veterans and their loved ones. Your sacrifices have protected all that I love about this country. Just know that I appreciate it and will continue to raise my children to understand what has been given by the service men and women in this country.

"A nation reveal itself not only by the men it produces but also by the men it honors, then men it remembers." - John F. Kennedy

13 Years in a Nutshell

Triann and I signed up for Facebook yesterday at the recommendation of many friends. It has been amazing finding folks we haven't seen forever. So here is a quick run down of the last 13 years.



Triann and I were married in September 1995 right after I returned from a year touring with Captive Free South Central. We moved 2 days later to Abilene Kansas to take a job as a youth director. While there I joined the volunteer fire department and was then hired as a police officer in Abilene.



Triann wasn't real crazy about the police thing so after about a year and a half of putting up with it we moved back to the NorthWest and I started driving for Fedex. Went from that to a brief stint at a hobby shop selling and racing RC cars then started working with my dad operating heavy equipment (probably my favorite job ever!). I went from there to selling conveyor belt and in 2002 a friend encouraged me to jump into the mortgage industry and that is where I have been ever since.

I started in a branch in Portland, OR working for Aames Home Loan. Aames was acquired by Accredited Home Lenders and we moved to San Diego, CA in March 07 to work at their headquarter building. I was laid off in August 07 and started working for JP Morgan Chase in November 07. We moved to Plano TX in June of this year to work at Chase's Irving location.


Our family has grown as well. Emily Rose Benson was born on December 26, 2001 and Daniel Lloyd Benson was born on February 27, 2006.


That's it in a nutshell

I am really enjoying catching up with old friends and looking forward to building those relationships.

If you know how to use Facebook look us up

Eric

Which way is up?

Back in town now and trying to get back into life. Triann is doing it well, I am not at all. I am tired and have not been sleeping well. I am worried about Triann and don't like the fact that she has to do this on her own. That isn't entirely true, I know that I can and will support her, but I can't help her swallow those pills or help her keep her lunch down. This is the person that I love more than anything in the world, the person I have spent the last 13 years with, the person who has born 2 children with me and I am now stuck just watching. And praying. Both for her and her health and also for the health of our family. I really think that she is dealing with this better than I am and I don't think I realized that until I wrote it just now.

So, time to take a deep breath, know that God is in control of all of this and that he will get us through it according to his plan.

Triann and I both put Facebook pages up this weekend. Still not entirely sure what it is, but if you know look us up.

Will try to get my thoughts cleared up a bit and get something else up here this week, but this is all I have right now.

Off to bed.

Eric

What a week

I apologize for the delay in getting this information out, I know many of you have been waiting to hear what is going on down here.

We met with Dr. Habra yesterday to find out what was next. He agreed with Dr Lee the oncologist in Dallas that it was a Stage II Adrenocortical Carcinoma. He has decided on a treatment plan that includes Mitotane (which is a medicine or a pesticide depending on who is selling it) and steroids to supplement the other adrenal gland that will get pretty jacked up as a result of this medicine. Sounds exciting right? Pretty mixed emotions at this point. If she takes the Mitotane she will risk damaging her good adrenal gland, feel fatigued and nauseous, have to wear a medic-alert bracelet, have to take steroids and possibly block the cancer from returning. If she doesn't take it she will feel better but will raise the risk of the cancer returning. How do you make a decision like that. I think you make it the same way we did. Pray a lot, and trust that God has put you in the hands of capable Dr's.

Going forward we will increase the dose of the Mitotane and Steroids monthly with lab results being sent down to Dr Habra in Houston. He will monitor the results and make adjustments to the dose as we go along. Every 3 months we will return to Houston for CT scans and meetings with Dr Habra.

He would not give us any information on the long term story. He didn't want to because it didn't matter and there isn't enough information to do any more than guess. He said that if it was a stage I or Stage IV there is more concrete data, but it is a bit fuzzy for II and III.

I don't really know what else to say. I think we are both hopeful that this will keep things under control, but also nervous about the effects of this new medication.

I also wanted to take an opportunity to thank every single one of you for an incredible week. In light of everything else that was going on, because of your prayers for peace, the donation of the points needed for the hotel stay your generous gifts, we were able to have what amounted to the first family vacation we have had for many years. We took the kids to the zoo and the children's museum, rode the metro train around town and took a few road trips, all as a family. Bottom line we all had a fun and relaxing week together and I can't tell you how much we all needed that.

So now we are headed back home, rested and hopeful and looking forward to tomorrow while remembering to enjoy today.

Eric

Galveston

We had some time today so we took a trip out to Galveston. I wasn't really sure what to expect and was obviously not prepared for the amount of destruction we saw. You could tell in Houston that there had been some serious wind. The part that we have seen so far were in good condition with the exception of some signs that were missing or broken or trees that had blown over, but no major structural damage that we have seen. This started to change the close we got to the island. Started to see more signs down or damaged and saw more and more blue tarps on roofs (someone made a killing on tarps). When we passed the space center and were getting close to the bridge that actually takes you to Galveston island we saw massive debris along the road, I am assuming it was on the road, but had been pushed off to allow traffic. There were boats, couches, beds, everything all in piles along the road. When we got on the island itself it was clear just how bad it was. Parts of town had debris piled 6 foot high all along the road. We went to the north end of the island and then traveled all the way to the south end along the sea wall. I have never seen so many homes on stilts before and could tell that what I was seeing was only a fraction of what had been there before the storm. We couldn't help but compare what we were seeing to our experience in San Diego last year with the fires. Triann and I both felt that the damage was greater in Galveston, but then agreed that it was just different. In San Diego the destruction was visible in the landscape, meaning the trees and land that was scorched, and the homes were burned to the ground with only the brick fireplace and chimney remaining, but the debris was not the same since everything burned. The property in Galveston was just as destroyed, but it was blown all over everything, so that even homes that weren't damaged by Ike were still buried with all the crap from the homes that were. Not sure if that came out right, but too tired to fix it tonight. Bottom line, it was incredible.

We took a ton of pictures, none of which accurately portray the damage. One other thing I will point out is that the town is full of folks working their tails off to put it back together. Many restaurants and businesses are open and folks are doing everything they can to clean everything up. I am anxious to visit again on our next trip and see how things look then. Only thing I can tell you for sure is that if I lived there and was told that a hurricane was coming, you can bet that I would be one of the first off the island.



Hard to see but this is a concrete pier extending out into the gulf, most of the concrete deck and pilings are gone.

All along the roads were piles and piles of debris. We saw everything from vehicles to beds in the piles.

This was a hotel on a pier. The wall on the left part of the building is gone, allowing you to see into the rooms. Again hard to make out, but there are two roadways on either side of the pole. The one to the right has a 2 foot gap where it meets the road we are on, the one on the left is completely gone. There were 2 vehicles that we could see on the left side of the building that were stranded up there.

No comments needed

We were told that there were buildings completely covering the north end of the island. The only evidence of that are a few foundation pieces (even the foundations were taken away by the water) and household debris (Tupperware, cupboards etc)

Day One

Monday was quite a day at MD Anderson. We arrived in Houston on Sunday night only knowing that we had an appointment at noon on Monday. Once we checked in we were given our schedule for Monday and Tuesday. It was a full plate for Monday, 12 - Preliminary paper work, 1 - First meeting with Dr Habra, 2:15 - Labs, 2:30 - Chest X-ray, 2:50 - no more food in preparation for the CT Scan, 5:50 - CT scan prep, and 7:20 - CT scan. It felt a little like the first day at camp. Really that isn't a bad analogy, as opposed to most hospital settings where people tend to sit quietly and keep to themselves, most folks here were pretty chatty, probably because everyone knew they were there for the same thing. Also like camp the "veterans" were quick to share a smile and point you in the right direction.

Anyway, the schedule got blown within the first 45 minutes when the power went out to the whole campus. Of course we were back in an exam room and for about 30 seconds it was pitch black. It was just long enough for me to run through all of the options and decide to work my way back to the windowed waiting room, but not long enough to actually do it. So once the power came back we had a quick meeting with the Dr, where he explained to Triann that she was not a statistic and that once they ran all of their own tests we would all sit down together and make out a plan. Triann really liked that, especially since all we have heard thus far were the percentages. We then took off to the Lab for her blood work and X-ray's. I saw a sign for blood donations and snuck off there for about 30 minutes. We thought after that we would head back to the hotel and see the kids for a few and decided to walk to the train station that was "only a block away", well everything is bigger in Texas and 15 minutes later when we arrived at the station we realized that we would never make it back in time and even if we did with my recent blood loss and Triann still healing we didn't really have it in us, so we settled for a phone call to the room and a quick date at Starbucks. I will digress for one more moment and say that it has been amazing the amount of quality time we have been able to spend since this started, another gift.

We made it to the imaging department at 5:30 and took a seat in a very full waiting room. We were immediately engaged by a group of "veterans". I honestly thought they were all there together the way they were laughing and carrying on, but found out that they had all just met in the waiting room. We were quickly included in the conversation that was hovering around the best barium flavor. The options apparently were banana, cherry, berry and the recent addition apple. Triann quickly turned green as she had not realized she would be required to drink that and was in denial until she was called back and returned to us with a berry flavored "barium smoothie" in her hand. Now Triann's appetite has not been so hot since the surgery and she doesn't eat much right now, so the prospect of drinking 2 containers of any flavor barium did not sit well with her. As a matter of fact it wasn't just the prospect, the actual barium didn't sit well either and she stalled with one sip left of her first container. When the nurse (dubbed the bar keep by our group) returned with the second container, she took one look at Triann's green hue and told her it would be better to keep the one down then try for the second and lose it all. This of course made Triann feel guilty as if she hadn't "finished her homework" (her words) but all the guilt in the world didn't change the fact that she was relieved to take a break.

Things were obviously still behind schedule from the power outage and the fact that Monday's are the busiest day for them, so she wasn't called back for the scan until 8:30. I sat and visited with the significant others of the veterans since all our wives were back there and slowly they came out and left. At 10:45 I was the last one in the waiting room and I had just watched about 13 folks in white Dr jackets leave, I was starting to get worried so I started working my way back into the imaging department. Luckily the cleaning crew was working, not so lucky not many of them spoke english, but eventually we used gestures and interpretive dance and I was able to find my way to where Triann was waiting. What I found out was that she was waiting for the effects of here allergic reaction to the iodine to wear off. I was a little ticked as we had talked with them about that risk, but really was too tired to make too big of a stink. They let us leave around 11:20 and grabbed a burger at Wendy's on the way back to the hotel.

As a result of the iodine issue (you can read more about that on Triann's Blog) the second scan of her neck and head was cancelled (the Dr said he could see enough of the neck from the scan on Monday). So now we are on our own until we meet with the Dr on Thursday.

We are both pretty excited to have some time to look around town and hang out with the kids. Thanks again and again for all the prayers and support and we will keep you updated on what is going on.

A good day

We made it last night around 9:15 after a nice dinner at the Cracker Barrel. I love that place. Good food, not great but consistent and I love walking through the gift shop. Candies I remember as a kid, music I listened to growing up and dvd's of shows I used to love. Its just like going to grandmas if grandma lived in a 15000 sq foot house just off the freeway, had 35 rocking chairs and giant sized checker games on her porch, made most of her money selling candies and nick nacks out of her front room and regularly invited 100's of random people over dinner. (Disclaimer- this was a quickly created thought process and not intended to represent any actual grandmas, if your grandma did meet all of the qualifications above no offense was intended by the author or any of his friends or family. If considering legal action against the author for slander against your grandmother please read previous posts regarding the financial situation of the author and consider a donation to the author for at least the amount of your proposed claim)

Ok that's out of my system. I think most of the random thoughts are due to my discomfort sitting here in the waiting room at MD Anderson with Triann. A whole new round of emotion came creeping in when we walked into the hospital. I think one of Gods gifts is distraction. We have all been able to focus on life the last week or so. working through finances, schedules, home, work, halloween etc. Not much distracting us right now from the reality of where we are and what we are here to do.

I don't think that is all bad, thinking about reality, its just not fun. I can't be the only person that feels that way. Look at the number of fiction books vs. Non fiction. Or the number of movies folks watch. Video games, television, all ways to distract us from life. One deeper thought that is sneaking in my mind, is that if the gravity of this situation didn't smack me right between the eyes, would Gods peace and hope have as much significance?

Something for me to ponder today. It is beautiful outside, my beautiful wife is sitting next to me and my God will get us through this.
It's a good day.

Eric
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

The way down...

Well here is the first official update from our houston trip. We are 180 miles south of our home, stopped at a McDonalds in Madisonville TX, after being stopped in a traffic jam for 48 minutes on I-45. It was definitely the most exciting thing we have seen since we left dallas. Texas has frontage roads along side most of the freeways, when the traffic started many cars crossed the 30 feet of grass on the shoulder to get to the frontage road. I wasn't willing to chance an off road adventure in the mini van so we stayed put. It was very entertaining watching all the different vehicles from sport bikes to trucks with horse trailers make their way through the ditch and to the frontage road. Was also slightly entertaining to pass all of them once the wreck (I think) was cleared. You see the frontage road is one lane and now all 200+ of the rigs that jumped over had to go through 2 stop signs and a light to get back on the now moving freeway. Was it wrong to chuckle a little when we flew past them at 70mph?

So now a quick pit stop and off again to finish the last 97 miles. Anxious to see what is next.

Eric
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Halloween Pictures

Ok, due to multiple requests, here are some pictures of the kids and a quick pic of Triann and I taken today.

Emily dressed as Cinderella

Daniel dressed as a dragon


Triann and I dressed as Triann and I. Isn't she cute?

Eric

Trick or Treat

I took the kids out trick or treating tonight. It had been a while since we had done that. Last year the fires in San Diego were either still burning or just out on the 31st (I can't remember) either way we weren't at our house and did not go out. The year before that my family came down to San Diego and stayed with me at the Residence Inn, my home at the time. I think we did go over and trick or treat at a strip mall, but not the same. Regardless I was able to enjoy a wonderful evening watching my 6 year old daughter and 2 year old son as they quickly learned the art of collecting free candy. Pretty amazing to watch a whole community celebrate something together. An event that removes the worries of the economy, politics or even a health crisis for a bit, while giving us a chance to meet or catch up with our neighbors. We lose our concerns with security and safety for just a few hours as we allow our children to walk up to a strangers door (but only the ones with the porch light on), knock and ask them for candy. Also, the kids get a crash course in manners (don't grab, just take one and say thank you).

Little different than the old days. All the candy is store bought and has to be inspected by the parent before the kids can eat it. Gone are the days of the popcorn balls, cookies and candied apples (a huge loss if you ask me). This is all the fault of some wack job putting razor blades into the home made treats sometime when I was a kid.

Also different are the costumes. Most (but not all) are store bought. I remember as a kid that you could buy a costume that consisted of a suit made of some sort of vinyl (can still remember the smell) and a paper thin plastic mask made to last most of the day at school and part of the evening before the elastic band holding it to your head pulled out. There were nose, mouth and eye holes that were not cut to match anyones features that I knew and as such they were usually pulled up to rest on top of your head until you were actively asking for candy.

Even better than those, I remember the classic homemade costume. Today I see it as incredibly creative and frugal, but at the time I was always jealous of the kids that smelled like a fresh beach ball. My costume selection process usually went something like this.

Eric: mom, I want to be luke skywalker for Halloween
Mom: here is your dads flannel shirt, you're a logger

There were obviously variations, and I am sure there were times we bought the plastic suit but we were a "creative" family so we made a lot of stuff. I never was a ghost with a bed sheet with eye holes cut out, that would have ruined a good sheet. More likely it would be a garbage bag with eye holes cut out, and we didn't have the white bags you see today, so I would have been a black ghost. Nice thing was, if you folded it up carefully, the next year you could stuff it with paper and be a California Raisin.

All this to say, when I was a kid the streets were filled with creative, frugal homemade costumes, with a few store bought items thrown in. A little different than what you see today.

What hasn't changed is the chance for the grown ups to stand and visit while they keep an eye on the kids from the end of the walk. A true look at the way a community should be, even if it is for one night a year and the former logger is now watching his princess and dragon trick or treat.

Now that they are asleep its time to go raid the bags :)

Eric

My new life as a beggar

I feel like I am living in a nightmare right now. It is not enough that my wife is sick with an as of yet unknown prognosis, but in addition the trips and tests and meds are creating an un-manageable financial crisis. So now any semblance of control that I though I had is completely shattered. I mentioned this before, but just to completely clarify the amount of stress that is working on me right now, we have to go to Houston on Monday and I don't have a dime to do it with. The Dr's bills can be paid over time, but the gas and hotel and food has to be done up front. I don't feel like I can say let's wait until we can afford it because I don't know when that will be and I don't think we can wait to get Triann started on her treatment. So now with or without my consent or approval I have been turned into a beggar. I can't do this by myself, I have no choice but to ask other folks, some that don't even know us, to help. Does it make sense to anyone how incredibly hard this is? To admit that I can't earn enough to take care of my family? To rely on others to provide for us? To announce to the whole world that I am not good enough? To top it off I am adding stress to my wife's life due to my inability to deal with this.

Deep breath...

Triann sent me this on Tuesday and gave me permission to share it.


From: Triann Benson
Date: Tue, 28 Oct 2008 16:17:11 -0700 (PDT)
To: Eric Benson
Subject: self reliance

I know you are having a hard time with needing help. I think it is a lesson in relying on God no matter where the help comes from. Are you relying on God when he gives you the money you need and more? Or are you only relying on Him when YOU aren't the one making the money? 'I' think it comes down to too much 'I' in our lives.
It is really hard and very humbling to have help - with the kids, the house, our groceries, medical expenses, on and on. My pride is taking a beating, I can't imagine what kind of rough shape yours is in! But wouldn't we be the first to help others? And haven't we done that in the past? What were our thoughts? How dare they need help? Isn't it terrible how they have made themselves sick and then needed help taking care of their children? God commissions all of us to help those in need. It is our turn to be in need. It is not easy, but it is reality. We need to focus our energy on health and hope and peace and family - not how do 'I' do it with out any one's help? I am confident we will again be in a position to help others. It just may be awhile =)
God is NOT finished with us yet - thank goodness!
I love you.
Tri

How about them apples? Me moping around and complaining about how "hard" all of this is, and the one is waiting to hear if she is going to make it to her 40th birthday drops that little gem on me.

I can't finish this post by saying "now everything is better and I am ok with taking assistance from others, I am not a slacker, just a good guy on hard times", not even close. But I don't have much choice and I guess I better figure out how to "deal" with it because it is our reality right now.

So where does that leave me? A tired man, scared for his wife, hoping against all hope for some good news and trying to act graciously in the face of unexplainable generosity.

p.s. At the bottom of the page is a widget for the chipin page that Tony DiLorenzo (The Dent Dude, Forward Motion Foundation, Family Blog) created to help us with medical expenses.

Crashing waves

I can remember walking on the beach as a kid. The beach in the Northwest is a little different than southern or tropical beaches, kind of a rough sand and incredibly cold. It had to be a very hot day, or you had to be very young to want to get in the water. . If you have never been to an ocean beach before it is a pretty amazing sight, it was the only place I had ever been as a kid where you could see forever, nothing but blue water until it disappeared into the clouds. The mountains and trees in Washington prevented that type of view anywhere else that I had been.

I don't think I have ever actually swam in the ocean but we did play in the surf. The sand changed from dry to wet as you approached the tide line, you would walk barefoot now in the wet sand until you reached the edge of the water. There isn't really an "edge" like you would have in a lake or river because the waves would push up and down the beach bringing the water to your feet, then pulling it back 15 or 20 feet only to be replaced by the water from the next wave. Back and forth. Quite mesmerizing if you took the time to just watch it.

Walking farther down the beach you could stand in the surf itself. Just enough water to cover you feet and now the water would push past you 15 or 20 feet up the beach. You could actually loose your sense of balance by looking at your feet. The water moving in and out over your feet could trick your head into thinking you were falling and your body would overcompensate and make you lean forward. Standing here long enough would dig your feet into the sand as well The water pushed the sand in and out with the waves actually rearranging every part of the beach except the 2 foot sized pieces you were standing on, again quite mesmerizing.

Walking in until the water was waist deep required commitment. Until this point you could get away with rolling your pants up but once you passed your knees there were no promises you would have a dry seat, and did I already mention the water was cold? Here you could start to experience the waves themselves. Not big waves at this depth but small rollers that would raise the water level 6 to 18 inches. So standing there waste high could result in a wet chest, but your head was still above the water at all times. This is where you would start to appreciate the power of the ocean. The waves coming in would push you back and then continue onto the beach (up to the tide line) the rest of the story is that all that water came back into the ocean and would pull at your legs with incredible power. Pretty amazing to feel the surface water pushing you toward the beach while the undertow is pulling you out to sea at the same time.

The next step, and about the last that I have ever taken, is to walk in neck deep. At this depth the waves are still not as big as what you can see farther out, but will rise 2-3 feet above your head. Depending on the seas (distance between the waves) it may be 5 -60 seconds between waves and you can see them coming. It is amazing and frightening to see tons of water racing towards you. Right before the wave hits your body tenses up and leans towards the wave involuntarily. When the wave passes over you it takes all the strength you have to keep standing upright and at this point you are 3 feet underwater. Depending on the size of the wave it may be a number of seconds until it passes and you can breath again. As long as you see the wave coming, have fairly good footing and lead with your head and arms almost like you were diving you are fine. You can prepare and survive even with tons of water engulfing you.

However, if you loose your balance things can get hairy pretty quickly. The wave coming in will lay you down like a board, and the undertow will quickly scoot you out to sea 20 feet or more. This quickly changes the situation from neck deep to way under water. Until you fight your way back up to the surface you are at the mercy of the undertow. When you get to the surface you still have to work with the waves that are now getting higher depending on how much farther you are from the shore. The situation can go downhill fast.

+ We are supposed to report to MD Anderson in Houston on Monday. I have been living on 6 dollars since last wed and most of the check on Friday will go to rent. I have to pay for gas, food, hotel and Dr bills next week and then hold on until the next check on the 15th.
+ My motorcycle is my main transportation, I had to park it last night until some of this clears up so I can buy a new rear tire. I picked up 5 (5?!?!) nails the first week I moved to Texas and have been watching it and airing it up as needed, yesterday it lost almost all of its air before I made it home.
+ I fired up my snow car (the car I use only for days I can't ride the bike). It has 207,000 miles on it but has always gotten me from here to there when I need it. It was out of gas, I spent the last 6 dollars to get to work this morning.
+ My annual evaluation is due at work. I have to sit down and focus long enough to write out my accomplishments for the year, my career plans, strengths and opportunities and a summary statement. All of this effects raises, promotions and bonus.
+ My wife is sick, my kids are confused, there are different people in my house every week... On and On and On

It seems as if I have been walking slowly into the water recently, holding my footing as the undertow pulls at me, but unable to stop working my way farther into the sea. The water line has been slowly moving up and it feels as if it is neck deep or higher. As wave after wave crashes over me I am being pounded by tons of water. If I hold my footing by trusting that He is in control of all of this I stay upright, but every time I loose faith the wave knocks me back and I am swept farther out, fighting my way through the crashing waves to the point where I can put my head above the water and try to get my footing back.

I don't know when I will be able to walk out of the water all together, maybe never on this side of heaven. I do know that I better learn to let go and Let Him hold me up against these waves or I will need a set of gills soon.

Eric

The Best Laid Plans...

There have been a lot of "God Moments" during our latest adventure. One of them involved my folks. Dad had a meeting in Houston scheduled for the week after Hurricane Ike rolled through. The plan was for the folks to come to our place early, go to the meeting in Houston then come back and hang out again for another long weekend. Dad was called 15 minutes before his flight and told that the meeting was off and would be rescheduled for a later date. We were all devastated as we hadn't seen them for a long time.

After Triann's ordeal started we were starting to line up friends and family to come and stay with us and help with the kids. As this was going on dad found out that the meeting was rescheduled for the week of Nov 10th, so Mom decided to come down on the 31st and stay until after dads meeting. Friday we found out that Triann's appointment at MD Anderson is scheduled for the 3rd of November. So now Mom will be here and be able to come to Houston with us to help watch the kids while Triann is at her appointment. She might even be able to scout out the hot spots in Houston to show dad the next week.

Now I am by no means implying that God sent the hurricane just so my folks could be here when we really needed them, but I am saying it is absolutely amazing how He can use terrible things for good. Maybe I'll talk about that for just a second... One part of our faith that we are holding onto strongly is that there is some reason for this outside of us. I do not believe that God causes bad things to happen in the world, but I do believe with everything that I am that he uses these things for good. Could there be a family out there that has been hit by crisis after crisis and is ready to give up, could we be in a place where we can give them encouragement and comfort? Are there people reading about our situation that don't know Christ and are wondering why in the world we aren't completely loosing it, could they decide to ask folks that they know are Christians where we are getting our hope and strength from?

I would trade this situation in a heartbeat, but if it is what we have to go through then how much easier is it to walk through if we know that He is in charge and He has a plan. I can't promise you that I feel brave all of the time, but I can tell you that in the moments when I feel the most fear and panic, it is my faith in Him that brings me back.

Eric

Wife Swap

Wife Swap is a show where they take the wives from 2 families that usualy couldn't be any more opposite and swap them for the week. The show is then about how the family adapts to how the stand in mother runs the house. That is what it has been like at the Benson house lately. Since Triann went into the hospital we have had different friends and family staying with us to help Triann with the kids. Triann is unable to open a pill bottle right now let alone pick up the kids or keep after them so we have to have someone here while I am at work. Now before I get to far I want to be perfectly clear that it has been an absolute blessing to have these folks visiting. Their help and company has been invaluable during this crazy time. With that being said, it has brought some pretty funny moments along the way as well.



It goes without saying that everyone has their own idea of how a kitchen should be put together. As of today my kitchen has been completely reorganized 3 times. Now if anyone knows us well they are aware that our kitchen was not organized to begin with. Triann and I are functioning mess-aholics (Hi I'm Eric). Many people don't understand that the popcorn seasoning should be placed next to the water cups, or that peanuts fit best next to the wine glasses. I have to admit that I think I like the new kitchen better, seems easier to find things and I never knew we had that much counter space.



The other thing that changes every week is the refridgerator. Each week it reflects the tastes of the people that are staying with us. Different fruits and vegetables, different beverages, different meats etc. The kids and I have been eating like royalty, sit down dinners almost every night and usualy pretty healthy also. Has been good for the kids to try new foods as well. Our current helpers brought their live in housekeeper with them and she won't let anyone near the kitchen, or the laundry room. I think our house is cleaner today than it was the day we moved in. Pretty amazing, it's like I am living in a one week episode of the Brady Bunch.



The kids have been having a blast playing with all kinds of new kids from folks staying with us to people bringing their kids over when they visit. It has been really good for them and great for me to see them having so much fun after seeing them stressed out when mom was gone for 2 weeks. Having a hard time keeping my thoughts in order right now, I am watching emily play the Wii Fit with her friends that are over here now (nothing quite as funny as watching someone do the hula hoop on the Wii Fit)


All in all it has been pretty amazing what freinds are willing to do. It blows me away that folks are willing to break away from their lives to come down here and help us. I don't think we can completely express how much this and all the other amazing thing folks have done have meant to us durring this time.

As amazing as all of this has been I can't wait to "swap" back to Triann

Faith?

Complete faith is a lot harder than I thought. Last week I said that I was comfortable leaving Triann and her health in God's hands. Meaning that other than supporting her and pursuing every treatment avenue there is nothing that I can do fix or change the situation. So in essence I am trusting Him to fix things or to give us the strength to get through it. I think it was easy to get to that point simply because of the futility of the situation.

I have not changed my feelings about Triann and her health, but now I am facing another trial from the financial side of things. Normal monthly medical expenses before all of this were $1000 a month. This is co pays for Dr appointments, medication and medical supplies. The new drugs the Dr says I have to start on will be an additional $1400 a month and we have no idea what Triann's treatment and medication will add to that. That puts med expenses at $2400/mo not including premiums. I have an incredible job, but we are already living from check to check. I don't think we have any extravagant or even luxurious expenses. The cable may be something we could cut but I don't see 50/mo making a huge dent in this. What I am getting at is that I can't see a reasonable fix for the fact that with my meds and Triann's treatments/meds we will be adding an additional $1600-$2000 monthly burden on the budget.

What work could I expect to do that would add an additional 19-24k of income, or what could I possibly reduce in the budget short of housing that would free that kind of money up? We are not eligible for state or federal assistance due to my income, which again is excellent. And I am sure we could ask for help from family or friends, but while that may help in the short term what options are there in the long run?

Why am I able to turn over the health and future of the most important person in my life to Him, but I can't release our financial situation. Both are clearly out of my control, and both have potentially devastating futures. I tell myself that it is because I don't see how he can help with the finances, that there is no way to increase my income by that amount or reduce my expenses, it's impossible. But how can I trust Him to heal Triann and her impossible disease.

The worst part is that I know that God is capable of anything, and I know that I am now putting limits on what he can do. Another prime example of me trying to control my life. God is patiently showing me that I don't have control, and forcing me to come to Him in faith. Faith that He is all powerful, that He knows what we are going through and has a purpose, faith that He can give me the strength to handle it if I will only trust him.

I have faith, but feel like I am barely holding onto it. That I have to consistently remind myself that he is in control and not him. I don't think that this mental anguish is where He wants me to be, but maybe it is something I have to go through to become who He wants me to be.

A man of faith.

Eric

Recharge

I hit the wall last night. Part of it was probably teaching class yesterday, that always leaves me a bit worn out, but I am guessing a lot of it was the stress and lack of rest over the last 3 weeks. Triann went into the hospital again yesterday, she was feeling dizzy and it wouldn't go away. Lexi (a dear friend and er nurse) has been staying with us this week and she took Triann into the ER. It sounded like they were concerned with her blood pressure (100/50) and ran tests all day to rule out all the obvious reasons like internal bleeding or any lung issues and came to the end of the day with no issues. I came home after work and found that Belinda from Triann's Bible study at Preston Trails was here watching the kids. About 20 minutes later Lexi pulled up in the van and Triann was not with her. That is when we found out that she was staying and that is when I hit the wall.

I can't really justify why, I knew that she was in good hands and Lex said she wasn't in pain. I talked to her after that and she was frustrated that she was there again. I am not sure it was such a bad thing, things had been a bit chaotic at the house with the kids acting up, I am guessing because they are just unsure what is going on.

I think I was just out of gas from 3 weeks of little sleep, stressed out kids, stressed out adults and worrying about my wife. I had gone through a bit earlier in the day worrying about finances and had consciously taken a step back and handed it off to God. I felt almost an immediate peace. I can't explain why I wasn't able to do that later in the day at home, but I couldn't. I literally sat down with the Emily at the dinner table talked with her about her day and then just floated through the house talking with Belinda who was still there feeding the kids and cleaning up after them and then walked her to the door. I read the kids a book, put them to bed and sat down in my chair. I woke up at 1, had a banana and went to bed. I woke up this morning at 8:30 in a panic, only to find out that Lexi had taken Emily to school and everything was ok.

7 and 1/2 hours... the longest sleep I can remember even before Triann went into the Dr. It is fairly amazing how our body works, completely burned out and numb to the world to awake and ready to take it all on again with just a good nights rest. I know that God is in control of all of this and like He promised He gives us just what we need when we need it. In this case a real good recharge.

Eric

Waiting

Sitting in a waiting room at the Arthritis Center of Texas. It is an older facility in downtown Dallas and reminds me of the Dr's offices I had been to as a child before the bright and shiny million dollar facilities. Norman Rockwell paintings on the wall surrounded by framed stamp collections. I am the youngest patient by 20 years at least. Probably not that they see but in this waiting room. Decorations are fitting for the season. Typical witch smashed against the wall with the end of the broom sticking out. The obligatory spider webbing in the corners, some of it stretched out properly, some in clumps. And plastic pumpkin pails with candy corn.

The interesting thing to me about waiting rooms is that it seems people think that is all they can do, as if the name of the room has imposed a cosmic law that says just wait, don't smile, don't chat don't make eye contact just wait.

Same magazines as most Dr's Forbes, Good Housekeeping, People. Expected too see Field and Stream since this is TX, but maybe not in downtown.

Finally was called back and met the Dr. This was a visit for a second opinion. I was diagnosed with ankylosing spondilitis last march. It is an arthritis that attacks the spine. Similar to rheumatoid, but more focus on the back. The long and the short of it is that left unchecked it will fuse my spine together from the bottom. On the last x ray there was fusing of the sachrial joints and squaring of the lower vertebrae. Anyway, this apt was to get a second opinion before I started on the biological medications. These are drugs that I will have to inject every other week, but they should stop the progression of the disease. Pretty scary side effect are possible, but a fused back is all but guaranteed if I don't. Always a decision to be made...

The Dr came in with a resident that is learning about rheumatism, that used to bother me but not anymore. He put me through the tests checking for flexibility, range of motion, joint swelling etc. After that and a run through the medical history he explained why he also thought I should start taking the drugs and started the process to pre approve with the insurance.

So waiting now to hear about that, waiting to hear more about Triann, waiting for the next paycheck to pay some more bills, waiting on winter to see some snow. Not much different than sitting in a waiting room, its just that I choose to smile.

Eric

The Morning After

I never was a big club guy... I did go out with the boys once in a while, usually ended up at a place with a good pool table or dart board and there we would stay. Having some beer's laughing, telling stories and usually heading home late into the night. I can remember the next morning, trying to get out of bed, stumbling to the shower and spending most of the day promising myself I wouldn't do it again on a work night...

For those of you that don't have time for all that activity but still want to experience the morning after let me recommend children.

Let's look at last night as an example. My 2 year old Daniel woke up at 11pm as I was headed to bed. This was an easy one, warm milk, back rub and back to sleep. Off to bed I went. At 1am Daniel came into our room, turned on the light and requested more milk. I stumbled to the kitchen, got the milk changed his pants and everyone went back to sleep again. Fast forward (not very far) to 3am and repeat. Makes you wonder if I could save any time by just pouring the milk into his diaper and cut out the middle man...

At 5am he decided he was done sleeping (I would argue he was done much earlier, say at 1 year old) so off we went to the tv room. This is where I play my game. I think to myself that if I sit with him in the recliner and put on one of the shows he likes to watch like Wow Wow Wubzy, Max and Ruby or Blues Clues (I can't complain too much, I remember barney and the tele tubbies) he will fall to sleep and we can both get some rest. As usual nothing doing, which leads to the tragedy of me actually watching the shows. Instead we were off to the kitchen for an orange, an apple (peeled of course) and some chocolate milk.

That brings us to right now. I have to stumble out of the chair, get Emily ready for school and do all I can to try and stay awake at work.

In all it probably is a better deal. Cheaper, much less nausea and at least half the calories of a typical night out. Still I try to tell myself I won't do it again :O

Eric

A Letter To My Friends

After the first day in the hospital I knew I couldn't keep up with updates so I asked my mom, Jody (http://clarkcountyhorse.blogspot.com/) to send updates out. I sent her all of my addresses and forwarded any addresses along the way. The following letter was sent out to that list on Thursday the 16th after Triann had come home...


Back in the office today, funny how fast everything can change. There is no doubt in my mind that we are supposed to be here in Dallas and easy now to look back and see the path. As recently as 2 weeks ago we were still wondering what we were doing here and trying to "understand" the plan, pretty clear now :)

This whole thing went so fast, we were expecting them to tell us that her gall bladder was infected or had stones (that is our last visit to web md) so when they came back Tuesday night with the news that there was a tumor we were in complete shock. The next week with Triann in the hospital we both learned a lot about our control issues. Triann had to deal with the fact that she was completely out of the picture at home, no control over all the stuff that had to be done and fought all week with calling me to check up on things. By the end of the week she was able to trust that it was being handled. I learned in a few seconds that nothing else mattered other than Triann's physical health and the kids mental health. I took Emily to some big appointments, had her to school on time with matching clothes, combed hair and brushed teeth, and had some incredible time to hang out with Daniel. Work was absolutely out of my mind and I was able to focus on being a parent and a husband. Not sure if I am doing a good job of explaining what a gift that was in the midst of all the stress.

Waiting for the biopsy results from the Dr was tough, my mind kept running through all of the options and I could eventually give it to God after 10 or 15 minutes of terror thinking about the worst case scenario (Triann not coming home). That got better as the week went on and I was learning to just give it to Him before I went down all the paths. Triann called me on Monday with the results and I just sat there in shock, I went into the hospital to meet with her and the Dr on Monday and listened to the Dr tell us that it was cancer, that there was a 40-60% chance it would return in 5 years and if it did there would not be much they could do. Also that there are not many if any treatment options due to the rarity. Not many cases, not much money, not much research. It all made sense and we took it all in and then sat and looked at each other. I can tell you honestly that I cannot remember crying since my grandfather died when I was 14, I still didn't but it felt like I was going to and my eyes watered up (not bragging, I think this is a flaw) and then we just sat there making small talk, I didn't know what to say so we talked about the kids and the laundry and the dishes. A little while later the surgeon came in and prayed for Triann. It might have been the most wonderful prayer I have ever heard, maybe it was the situation, maybe it was the timing but it changed my attitude immediately. Triann made the most profound statement that started to put me where I am today, she said that God knows the number of her days and this does not change that. She didn't say that she would live to be 80 or even 40 she said that God already knew.

I am writing this out to hold myself accountable to it as much as I am to share it with you, but this is where I am right now. I feel like I have been given the gift of experiencing God's peace, hope and love for the rest of my time here. From my understanding there is no end to cancer, even if they take out what they can see, there is always the threat from what is not seen, the microscopic pieces. Our technology today only allows us to see tumors or growths, but they cannot track the bits and pieces until they are big enough to show on the scans. This means that from today until the day she joins Jesus the threat of her cancer returning will always be there. I can't imagine how terrifying that would be if I didn't already know the rest of the story, that God is in control.

That is it, I might be able to pretend I can control little things in my life or make big plans or moves at work, but I now know and will be reminded daily that I have no control. The peace that I feel right now is from finally being able to say I can't do anything and trusting in Him. It has already affected finances, my relationship with Triann, the kids and others and work. I don't have to worry, because he is running the show, I just have to talk with him and listen to his direction. I am not saying that I am happy that this happened, I wish that I could have figured that out on my own without all of this, but not sure that the process isn't part of it.

So here I am in the place I am supposed to be, with the people I am supposed to be with trusting in the God that has been in charge the whole time but finally is getting the credit.

Looking forward to the next chapters, the next pages, the next lines, the next words or the next letters, depending on what HIS plan is. I can't wait to meet the author :)

Eric

The History of Us

I mentioned before that we had talked about starting this for some time, but recent events have made a place to vent almost essential. I should qualify this a bit and say that we have led a crazy life. Let me hit some of the high points...

We were married in 1995, each of us 21 years old. We both had 11 attendants and were married in a half finished church. Our honeymoon was actually a relocation to Kansas for a job, and is worthy of a blog all on it's own... but not right now.

During the next 6 years we had lived with both parents, in 3 different states and I had possibly the most eclectic collection of jobs on record (church youth director, pizza delivery driver, computer repair tech, firefighter, police officer, FedEx delivery driver, R.C. hobby shop/track guy, equipment operator: excavators, back hoes, dump trucks etc, and rubber conveyor belt salesman) we ended up in an apartment in Vancouver, WA and found out we were pregnant (we of course meaning my wife). Our daughter was born in December 2001 with Spina Bifida. It was not the end of the world like we thought, but certainly brought it's share of challenges and learning.

In February 2006 we had our our second child, a son. He is "normal", which means an absolute handful. All we had learned about raising children with our gentle mild mannered daughter went out the window with our chaotic son. Funny to think about it know, but both of us had considered trying to return him more that once. The tough part about this year was that my job took me away from home for the majority of that year, coming home only on the weekend and with just enough time to swap out suitcases before I was off again. This was particularly tough on Triann as our son screamed non stop for the first 6 months. We found out later it was acid reflux and with medication it was all better.

My company was acquired and I was offered a position with the new company in San Diego. We saw that there were limited opportunities in the North West so we sold the home and moved south. We arrived in March of 07 and I was part of a massive layoff in August. This was the first time I had ever been unemployed and I didn't deal with it particularly well. I think I had a lot of self worth built into my work and learned quickly that I needed to find it elsewhere. In October I was offered a job back with the same company in the IT dept. 3 days after I started the Wildfires worked over San Diego and we were evacuated from our home at 4:30 in the morning with our pictures, laptops and a few sets of clothes. We spent the next 10 days floating from shelters to hotels to friends homes as we waited for them to allow us back into our place. When we were allowed back we found that the home was still there but all of our belongings were trashed from the smoke and ash. We had renters insurance so all of the damage and cleaning was covered but they kept all of our belonging until the 20th of December as they cleaned them. Certainly a good lesson about what is important in life.

On November 29th I was offered a more stable job with another financial company. In May of 08 I was offered a position in Irving TX with the same company, we saw this as a great opportunity to reduce expenses as we were really struggling in San Diego. We left SD on June 20 after work and I started work on the morning of the 23rd. Unlike most folks, we didn't know where we were going to live when we got there and ended up living in a Residents Inn for a little over 2 weeks while we secured a rental home. The temperature was the first shock, we spent many days over 100 degrees as we were starting to move in, this wasn't the most welcoming situation we had ever been in but certainly added to the great stories we can tell. Various craziness followed us out here as well. My daughter (now 6) broke her femur and we were introduced to the incredible children's medical care that Dallas is so well known for. We also learned that the cost of living is lower only in reference to the actual housing cost, i.e. rent. Our first power bill was over $500. Quite a shock to a couple of North Westerners who were shocked if we saw a bill over $100.

All of this brings us to today and our latest chapter of life. On Tuesday September 30th, 2008 (our 13th Anniversary), my wife went to the Dr to find out about a pain in her abdomen. The Dr ordered an ultrasound and she was then sent to the ER for a CAT scan. This is where I found her, in the ER waiting for the results of the scan. The ER Dr came in and told us that she had a huge tumor and that they were going to admit her. Surgery was scheduled for the following Wed. She spent that entire week in the Hospital trying to get the pain under control and prepping for the surgery. They removed the Tumor on October 8th and we waited quite nervously for the biopsy results. They were returned the next Monday. We were told that the tumor was a Stage II Adrenal Carcinoma and all the dreary news that comes along with that.

That is where we are today. My wife is home healing from the surgery and we are waiting for our appointment with MD Anderson in Houston to find out what our treatment options are.

I know this was a long drawn out look at our 13 years together, but maybe this will help some of my future ramblings make more sense.

It is interesting, as I wrote all of this out the thought that kept running through my head was that I didn't want anyone to think I was looking for sympathy. I don't know if that is what you were thinking or not, but just to be sure, as crazy as all that history sounds, I wouldn't trade any of it for one second. That chaos is what made us what we are today. I really believe that without all of that "practice" we wouldn't be ready for what we are dealing with today. We have been blessed with incredible families and friends that have kept us from completely loosing it and a God that has continued to get us through it all.

That's all for right now.

Eric

Lets get it started

My wife Triann and I have talked for ages about writing down thoughts, events, milestones etc both for our kids to read later and also as a form of therapy for ourselves. So here we go. Not sure where this will end up but can promise that you will see a small sample of the goofy things that float in and out of my head on a daily basis. Thanks for stopping and taking a look, and please let me know what you think.

Eric